Samantha's Hodology

2011-08-28T21:43:00.003+08:00

The past few weeks have been such a blur and I have done too many things to even spend time with my family >< And it has gotten to such a snowballed point whereby I can't quite bear to even blog about all that I have stuck my hands into. And I've 2 weeks left, unbearably mortifying but I wouldn't trade my blessed place for any other.

So many people try to correct me when I say that I have mixed feelings, excited but nervous, saying I should not have to fear (at all?!?). I think they must be trying to make conversation and patronise me, who wouldn't be afraid of leaving? Of being alone? Of strange things? Though I love the prospect of new city lights and a tremendously cool course, I am still a wee little girl inside who is much too dependent on the comforts of home.

But apart from that, my pre-deaparture programme has come to consolidate my purpose for now, maybe I am foolish to be brainwashed (I am always a trigger happy conspiracist, of my own conspiracies) but I think you can never have too much of nation building, courage, integrity and love for one's home. Erm, this para is awkward here but whatever.

2011-07-09T20:03:00.002+08:00

I've been feeling a little nostalgic and weepy on odd days when I need to run errands for London. Like buying those huge luggages that can fit a St Bernard, trying to book air tickets that cost like an entire trip to Vietnam for a family of four, hostels, hotels and banal but scary things that remind me of the impending exit to come. And suddenly I feel a little too young, I feel like I cannot quite handle decision making nor living on my own or mostly, cooking for myself. I am excited but fearful of how powerful independence can be, how it comes with loneliness but could possibly empower me with so much more. Four years is a long time to be away.

2011-06-18T21:14:00.008+08:00

So many things have happened within the past few weeks I am still in awe of the wonders of God's works and the powerlessness of my own. And it seems, I am going to London after all, such a surprise to me even because I have always been leaning upon Sciences Po as a bargaining chip. It has all come so suddenly that I have come to be faced with a whole deluge of issues but I know that's ultimately in God's hands. (I am still afraid I'll end up living under the London Bridge because of accommodation issues, but I know my worries are unfounded in the first place)

Countless times I have whined about my dismal chances and I think God prevailed when he chose to only reveal his plans at the very last moment, when I have decided to relinquish my anguish, anxiety and self-absorption. I have such an amazing testimony of how God works and how sometimes his plans are subtle but ultimately awesome. The opportunity that came, wasn't even sometime I applied for or planned for, but God provided, and provided so well that the doors that are open radiate promise and a future in what I love and desire. (Foreign policy. Awesome.)

"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions" Joel 2:28

This cannot be more true, and I feel truly blessed experiencing this myself. God speaks not covetly, he reveals beautiful things to us directly and without a doubt, the June Church Ministry has brought my faith to a whole new level. It's sometimes when you're humbled and hungry for Jesus that you receive the glory of God and the past few months, I know, was the Lord's plan to humble me, to utterly ground me with his pestle and mortar. I know I am sounding completely religious right now but I can't help but lavish praises on God because I know so intimately how everything falls into place because of my Father in Heaven.

But since I am going away, I hope to keep this blog going, to leave a little legacy of whatever God is planning in my life and all the blessings (and agonising moments) I will come to experience in the coming years.

2011-05-12T12:00:00.000+08:00

I've just come to realise, with much panic, that its now May and if I do go to Sciences Po in August I've about 3 months left. Pretty much the reason which awakened me in the middle of last night and gave me the most awful heart palpitations.

And my French right now is largely dismal. All the crash courses I know of only start end May so that pretty much seals it: mediocre french if I do go. In a way, I suppose French is very intuitive, I can read messages and more or less understand them without google translate (hah) but a deep seated sense of insecurity still broils within me.

Yet, I still seek confirmation and direction. I've been spurned and yet I am uncertain of accepting my second choices just for the sake of it. The idea of making such a decision just doesn't sit very well with me. Can Sciences Po just send over some cash and fish me out of my dilemma already? I don't want to have to choose between a rock and a hard place here in Singapore.

2011-05-02T11:50:00.000+08:00

Okay, I was just reading the papers this morning, and at this point of time quoting the Straits Times will probably be see me flogged to death by persistent anti-state(whatever) folks but anyway I am just quite (I mean, very) pleased to see my very opinion being echoed by the main commentary today. The reporter says that she'd like to see "new candidates (PAP) showing more spunk and initiative...rather than sticking always to the party line...to know that they're independent speakers" and for "opposition candidates to take the long view...rather than to pander to narrow or sectarian interests".

While I don't quite take to quoting the papers, especially the ST, and I am not trying to insinuate anything about the angle they're taking or whether their partial or impartial, its nice to know that my previous post wasn't a completely off-tangent shot at pinning the tail on the election frenzy donkey.

I like affirmation, it makes me feel slightly less lost. LOL.

2011-05-01T17:58:00.001+08:00

Everyone's taking sides and I am just a little confused and feel very much like a deer caught in the headlights of an avalanche (multiple avalanches actually) of election zeal that's coming from all directions. Maybe I don't know politics enough and this really is the first election I've come to understand, albeit a little slow perhaps (I am not very bright that way)? But this time I am feeling the emotions running high and attempting to discern things my way without being saturated by the flood of information that's everywhere, even from my friends.

Honestly, I don't like drawing party lines, for me its not about whether the party's the incumbent or the opposition, whether the politician is young, old, charismatic or perhaps less so, I am just looking upon the elections with wide-eyed wonder and hoping to pick out a politician or two who appears to be genuine and righteous. And righteous sounds so terrifically childish and idealistic, in fact I suppose politicians from various factions will call themselves righteous (maybe they're just self-righteous), with varying degrees of truth, hence voiding what I deem to be the highest ideal.

I was just wondering, couldn't politicians be less responsible for their party? They're not the party manifesto personified, in fact I'd just like to think of them being in the party for finding some sort of alignment with the values the party advocates, they need not agree with everything nor be liable for what has been portrayed of their group. But maybe I am naive to think that a politician wouldn't play ideology and manipulate the dichotomy that there is; and to hope for authenticity in speaking up for what they feel whether its in their party's interest or not, or maybe even to support the virtues of what an opposing party proposes in complete impartiality.

So I am glad I am not voting yet, my thoughts are running wild in my head, I can't make up my mind between the ethos of having a 'first world government' (gee, I am slightly disdainful of such poor sloganeering) and the fact that I truly don't see the value of having an opposition for the sake of it. It so easy to be caught up in the rhetoric of change and having an alternative voice, and while some existing policies make me squeamish, I am not impressed enough by the opposition to want to be bought over just yet. For me, being the opposition isn't about being anti-incumbent or anti-pap, and right now it feels like the opposition very much still is. I am unsure of what I want from an opposition but rebel rousing rhetoric just doesn't cut it for me. I am not sure we've a mature opposition. Then again I am being stupid for generalising and herding them all into a label called the 'the opposition'.

I am excited to be politically aware and I am glad that there's a culture of that happening but I am hesitant to just jump head first into being alternative and youthful and that slightly rebellious side that a 'gen y'/'z'/'whatever I am' is typically supposed to take.

Sigh, the throes of being a confused teenager. I am not politically apathetic but I definitely am not ready to make a truly informed and calculated choice. Its just too much for my feeble 18-year old mind to take it, but its a wonderful awakening all the same.

2011-04-29T10:35:00.001+08:00

Having participated in the (at least what I call it) scholarship circuit, I just feel so so tired of being competitive and sometimes jealous. Honestly, I've come to the revelation that a scholarship is not all there is to life, I don't need to pursue this to satisfy my own deeply ambitious and greedy inner child. In fact, I am thankful that I've been through all these interviews, hung around a couple of high achievers whom I always seem to meet everywhere (and sometimes, I feel painfully inadequate) and to comfort myself with the knowledge of having tried.

All that I've attempted feels so uncertain and nebulous and I can't quite see myself either in France or doing law at home and occasionally I wonder what makes me think I would really like to study political science or law anyway. Its not as if I knew what they really entail.

France just seems like the perfect chance to do something completely unconventional and to take the so far biggest risk of my life. Being on the pretty Normandy coast, 2 hours from Paris in the best political science school in Europe, I just want to be an impulsive teenager and run off to the unknown. Where I'd be struggling to speak French, coming up against the (arrogant? I don't know for certain) French, the much heralded and very scary sci po pedagogy and probably, loneliness, starvation and various miserable situations.

And on a lighter note, I know I'll be in for lots of trouble if I do go to Sciences Po because I am basically using google translate for half the websites related to the university. I have an inkling that French effectiveness is going to be wonderfully entrenched in anything that I do seeing how websites just switch from English to French because they've no translation.

I am just waiting for May to come, if all goes well, I may very well just go. I only live once, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life daydreaming about how I could have, or how I could be.

2011-03-30T21:28:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I think I am too much of a hopeless romantic that INFPs are.

Its not so fun when you spend all your time worrying about getting to wonderful places and then you do but then you probably won't be going because you have quite miserable finances and your parents won't be very pleased if you decided to go ahead to squeeze blood from a rock (i.e. money from coffers which have none) quite like the prodigal/ ungrateful/ insensitive son (daughter in that case) and so you spend much time mulling over the fact that you won't be going anywhere exciting or romantic for that matter because it kinda just is quite futile and so you feel pretty much miserable.

God has been exceedingly gracious, giving me admission to my top choices (after much struggle) and I am spoilt for choice to be honest, except I doubt I'll be actually making that choice when the time comes. Misery.

2011-03-06T21:03:00.000+08:00

God has been so amazing, so faithful and ever so good to me...

All my achievements are due to him, because when you're in the arts in dhs, you really cling on to God for sustenance. There's really no reason why these doors are open and why I can claim all these blessings if it were just up to my own awful jumble of brains and nose at the grindstone working to no end.

And now I just await for God's direction because I'd hate to make blithe decisions to apply for a certain faculty simply because I think its glorious. It's really not about me but his plans....

2011-02-12T21:12:00.001+08:00

I've been reading quite voraciously the past few days to make up for my heightened forlornness and imaginary angst. And I know I should probably move on to read some intelligent non-fiction books on international relations, but I can't tear myself away from good mysteries and indian novels :( So those 2 noam chomskys are still sitting pretty in my cubbyhole and I have no intention of touching them actually.

So far The Hundred Foot Journey by Richard Morais has been an absolutely cheery novel about India and Indian food and Euorpe and French food and I even managed to identify some post-colonial elements through some hard thinking (LOL). Its written in such a lovely simple way, you don't quite have to think much but its so savoury (pun intended), and savoury books are so rare in a world of unsavoury books.

And I am halfway through Middlesex which truthfully sounds quite vulgar no surprise its theme is pretty much what its title suggests. However, its painfully witty (which I appreciate a lot since its not the common garden variety of being all in your face like my awful sense of wit and humour) and being a lit student I am not that much of a stick in the mud (yeah surprisingly), incest and hermaphrodites don't exactly send me keeling over in digust.

Also, I persecuted myself (and I mean it) through 2 Dorothy Sayers and declare that I am certainly not a fan. I know she's meant to be literary but I couldn't, I just couldn't bring myself to read another. Agatha Christie still remains my queen of crime although maybe tomorrow I'll be found in the streets of bagdad hacked to bits for dismissing Dorothy Sayers. Let's just presume my simple mind prefers simple reading.

2011-02-02T10:51:00.000+08:00

I am starting to have the worst doubts about myself, unsure if I am simply venerating myself a little too much, applying for things that out of my shallow capacity and having dreams that are larger than life. And I start having the vilest thoughts about my results and every essay I wrote appears to fall short in retrospect.

I have these bouts of deep angst that make me feel extraordinarily violent (perhaps under the influence of Lisbeth Salander) and sensitive to strangers who don't think very highly of me. And I feel so terribly insecure because my vocab is beyond lacklustre and I find my throat twisted up in dead knots whenever I want to sound vaguely intelligent or wise.

And I sound so self-absorbed in the above paragraphs I sound like a whiny teenager. Urgh, the prodigal self indulgence I lavish on myself is so awful.

2010-12-19T23:06:00.000+08:00

When I can afford it, I shall go horse riding in the Iranian plains. And Mongolian plateaus. And the Montana prairie. I've always been a horse person... since The Saddle Club days (don't judge me! They were good reading for a dreamy kid).

And I begin my internship tomorrow! I am quavering in anticipation already haha. I wonder how much time I'll be spending at my desk doing research, assuming I do get a desk.

2010-12-16T21:00:00.001+08:00

Millennium I was as good as I wanted. The first quarter though was rather dry so it was a tad disappointing but once the story settles in its really worth it. Dry, because it dealt a little with finance and I am rather adverse to finance and largely because the swedish names are very authentic and confusing.

AND I bought the trilogy on dvd from Hanoi! This is beyond awesome!!! But I am still hesitant about watching it although I am really keen because of all the violence. Not that I get squeamish over graphic scenes but I am just not quite used to explicit literary content expressed and interpreted on screen. Somehow I don't think all that sexual violence will be all fluffy lambs and ribbons. Oh well, I shall be ready one day. The sheer joy of ownership makes me content for now :)

But since it was such a dark novel, I decided to have a break before starting on Millenium II and am in the midst of The Handmaid's Tale. Let's just say its a classic dark novel. Not as explicit but just as depressing and quite worse because its dystopian. Maybe I should just reread Sweet Valley Kids to convert some of that dark energy into perkiness haha.

Hanoi was so refreshing, I'd hate to summarise in a paragraph so perhaps I'll do it justice in another post. But I've come to make some wonderful decisions for next year, I am backpacking to Cambodia for Angkor Wat, the Killing Fields and Tuol Sleng but I am not sure with who. Perhaps I'll go myself and if I disappear we'll all be informed that I am likely to be inducted into the wonderful human trafficking industry of Cambodia. Or maybe I shouldn't play up generalisations this way ><>

And last night's clubbing experience left me feeling deeply homely haha. I think my maiden (note the irony in this) trip will be my last unless there's an adequate reason for me to visit one again, which I doubt. I rather waste perfectly good time watching american tv dramas than steeping in trance music, at least I am vaguely entertained. For most of the time I was just paranoid about fire hazards and thinking (maybe mourning) the Cambodian bridge stampede. Other times, I was trying to avoid getting squished and stepping into vomit puddles. Ack :(

2010-11-30T21:18:00.000+08:00

Gee I can't believe it's all over. It never felt 2 years but the past 30 days were excruciating.

This year was an incredibly difficult one, I hardly read and my vocab wallowed to the size of a coin. And now Stieg Larsson and the Millennium Trilogy here I come! I've been harbouring such deep desires to read it that I think I am bursting at my seams. In fact I am pretty plumped up with the copious amount of sitting that I have done. I mostly want to read it because of the movie reviews which make it sound exceedingly gory and I know while its cliched to read a book based on a rave review, Noomi Rapace looks so appealing in an adverse punk rocker kind of way. And I've always liked adventure and mystery novels. I rather hate thrillers (there is a good difference between thrillers and mystery if you ask me) but I'll make an exception for a Swede novel because of a personal bias. And I ramble. See? My lack of lyrical convulutedness has been consumed by practical needs.

I hate to admit but I've lost the bulk of my pretentious vocab. Hurray for all!!! At least I am now vaguely understood. Now I shall go watch 10 episodes of the Amazing race at one shot of course.

2010-06-12T11:13:00.000+08:00

I don't mean to start whining all over again but the deflated chipmunk look (result of the rather traumatic surgery) isn't too flattering or comfortable.

Anyway I just have to say this: every morning when I awake and taste the copperish sharpness of blood in my mouth, I am reminded of the scene in Richard III when Henry's corse starts getting nice and bloody in the malevolent presence of Richard. I can't comprehend how my stitches bleed at night but its quite comforting to think of it as "wounds opening congealed mouths and bleeding afresh". Its the perfect relish for breakfast...hahahah.

2010-06-07T20:29:00.001+08:00

Talk about being desensitized, I am having this strange spate of touchy-feely-ness about the dystopia that's on the news. I think it could be due to withdrawal from newspapers for the past month. Or perhaps just the sporadically cataclysmic events that seem to threaten to lynch the world, tar balls anyone?

Corporations (and its not just BP) absolutely get my goat right now, and with my hermitic status (all that studying and so-to-be victim of a wisdom tooth surgery - tomorrow morning by the way) I am about to go on an organic farming rampage and swear to swear off all commercial goods. Besides, with my mom and her fervent proselytizing, no surprise that organized religion is beginning to irk me. Going on to scratch at our crystal ball, it is also predictable that I am very much jaded about governments (sure, we adore drone wars and the blockades of aid fotillas).

In a nutcase (haha, bad pun, I know), my proposed solution to the world's problems is anarchy. Less nauseating than organisations, rather egalitarian and quite satisfying for the freedom loving individual. But before I get arrested by statists, I am just ranting irrationally and off the top of my day long Wide Sargasso Sea analysis.

I see WSS as a nursery bed for breeding insanity.

2010-05-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

I have been very lethargic and unwieldy the past few days (though I ought to be up in arms studying), but I guess I was just trying to recover from the trauma of the past 3 weeks.

The most brilliant thing is: I borrowed 2 Agatha Christies on Sunday! (don't chastise me for not reading 'real' literature, emotional contentment ranks the top on my agenda right now) Poirot serves (on this note, I don't mean to humiliate him for saying he 'serves' me or anything) to satiate my intellectual and emotional (blood)thirst. Actually, bloodthirst is unfair, Poirot is not any lousy decrepit paperback thriller with a silly cover of dark shadows and the insidious motive to make you shudder (with annoyance duh) with narrations of bloody back alley stabbings. Poirot is the saints of all little grey cells and moustaches and I've come to terms with Dame Agatha being my grown-up Enid Blyton. The sheer comfort it yields will reign through all posterity, down the generations I will pass my crumbly Murder on the Orient Express.

I am just so so so happy with my precious Poirot. By the way I got The Mystery of the Blue Train (typical Poirot but wondrous effects akin to alcohol/drugs/tattoos/savory morsels I must insist) and some other non-Poirot one (thus too insignificant to remember) which I though sounded vaguely fascinating (definitely not Marple though).

2010-04-26T21:13:00.000+08:00

Hurray! *waves about wildly* Its over! They're all over! What a load off my back.

The geopolitics exam was nasty but at least I am done with all that's been bogging me down for the past 3 weeks. I don't know how far the distinction is trailing my rear but I think I'll do relatively ok.

On a major note, I am just so intensely so viscerally so deeply and thoroughly tired. Maybe it just that I am not used to having life just crash upon me but the past 3 weeks have been a maelstrom and my head's been stuck spinning in there endlessly.

Dance has sapped up so much of me and so fleetingly its now the end of it for a while. In retrospect, producing the concert is the dearest thing to me on 2 levels. It has exhorted from me so much effort, despair and slammed me headfirst into a totem of my flaws. I can be such a walkover, so uncharismatic and so terribly bleary. Yet its dear on account of it being the yield of my love for dance. Danzage allowed me to hold dance in my own hands and is the culmination of all my abilities (although I have to account for my lack thereof).

Thanks be to God for riding me through on this, although I have cried so hard in agony and turned skeletal. Thanks to my precious (back)stage crew, the run crew, my most adored Zina (for taking the place of 2 people), committees and seniors. And for all the dancers who've danced their part to make danzage a production that I am really pleased to say I've played a part to put up. So many people have come with their fullest commitment to aid me in this production process and I am just grateful for their presence. Modern dancers, thank you for the flowers, I just ache with love for you guys when I see it, you girls are everything to me. And thanks to all my awesome friends, your significance is so great it seems omniscient.

I am just so glad I was here to do something in my capacity for dance and though I wasn't indispensable and it wasn't a lofty thing, it gave my life dimension. Dance is beautiful that way isn't it? (despite the horrible admin work I have to say)

Now I can go back to doing my geography notes! I fondly missed organising them.

2010-04-25T20:41:00.000+08:00

Ahhhhhhh.

OMG. Geopolitics is in 20 hours.

Reason why the concert was not exhilarating when half the time I am trying to remember the definition of irredentism.

Maybe the surges of pride and satisfaction will flood in once my week ends tomorrow.

2010-03-18T23:35:00.001+08:00

Stress smothers me with the heaviest duvet ever (maybe not the heaviest yet), very likely that I will start swooning with insanity. Omg, I am feeling rather crazed with everything coming at me.

--this feels like a tweet.

2010-03-16T17:23:00.001+08:00

I kinda realized I am terribly anaemic in my thinking and probably am exerting lots of selfish negative vibes from my little online quagmire. After being scolded by sh for being myopic about communism and nationalism, I've come to realize that I espouse this all too perfect personal view about things (yeah, things.) and am actually really vapid in spite of this gross disillusion about how open minded and rational I am. I am quite a bonk head about things sometimes especially when I refuse to jettison my silly views, goaded by my inflated sense of being argumentative.

Anyway, I've been trying to do research on geopolitical conflicts being represented in blogs and you know this negative feedback thing just keeps reinforcing my sheer unthoughtfulness. Blogs from the Gaza Strip (e.g. Gaza Mom) are so just truthful and heartfelt about the conflict and here I am with this episodic whining about my panoply of insecurities. I don't want to just face such self-absorbed episodes and crown them struggles when they're a trifle compared to the actuality of tragedies like the what's happening in Israel and Palestine. (On another note, some blogs from Baghdad were very stimulating as well). These people feel the love for their nation so much so it isn't identified as just a love (that word almost takes away the sanctity of what's heralded), its such a spiritual struggle I wish I could understand. On this note, I doubt the depths of our nationalism (I am looking at it in comparison) sink far anyway and I hate to know this for myself. But of course for the patriots of merlion-land, they might find a nationalism from some place unknown to me. I'd love to feel so much for a land.

2010-02-21T11:53:00.000+08:00

Upon doing references for my h3 class response, I realised the author of my favourite article Limbo States (FP) is Greene Wood (Green wood!!!). I wonder if its some sort of a joke or maybe a cheeky sobriquet, but anyway funny enough for my personal revelry while I have my struggle for sanity. Or it could just be me being very rude.

The swellest thing is, I am almost done with it! Albeit it being too emotional about Kosovian bloodshed and limbo states (my love).

I think things almost always fall into place nicely for me (thank God), I am so pleased that I might actually have a chance at having the time to edit my class response too! And perhaps spare a sliver of my brain to think about the dance concert. And figure out if Rossby waves do just ross by all the time in the opposite direction of my energies sending negative vibes down my back all the way from the polar regions.

I write so whimsically, I am almost juvenile -.-

2010-02-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

Nicole here is the link you've been bugging me for:

http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=2737

There, you get a post all on your own.

2010-02-01T19:13:00.001+08:00

For the whole of last year, I've actually had a couple of issues that I've been intensely fascinated with and I just am so grateful to the sources I've been reading for there is such consolidation of these things I am interested in. Life (okay I am exaggerating, mostly studying the humanities) is so amazing in how things just consolidate themselves (the cardinal reason why I enjoy studying geography in such depth, you wouldn't understand but I love memorizing trifling details). It's just a revelation I had over the past year: how things just amalgamate so fluidly I find such joy in the nuances of everything. Yeah I am vague this way, I bet its irritating huh.

Anyway, my favourite issues (by which I mean affairs not magazine issues!) of last year are:

1. Detroit, being the epitome of the Rust Belt (and mostly all the various 'Belts' in America like the sunbelt and the stockbroker belt but most of all the Rust Belt). A small component in geography but largely inspired by a time article which I've read so many times I've memorized phrases like "feral dogs stalk urban prairies" (the article is beautiful that way). And the very conclusive Detroit Time issue which further enforced my interest in this somewhat 'failed state'. Its my personal pet project (I think its the third time I've used this phrase today ><), anything written about Detroit is fruition for me.

2. Utah and the FLDS church (Mormon fundamentalism). Mostly inspired by scoops on the FLDS, those intrusive articles on polygamy, fabulous hairstyles and prairie dresses of the FLDS women. Also, a biography Stolen Innocence, I bought, written by Elissa Wall who escaped from the clutches of Warren Jeff (the slimy creep of Utah's bogs) which was very intense (I remember writing a review for it last year actually) and absorbing. Also, at that time, there were just so many reports on the removal of 500 over women and children from a single rural Utah compound alone. The entire affair was just overtly disconcerting and thus very riveting for me.

But my main point is that I've found my first preoccupation for this year: Quasi-states.

Its possibly the steeping effect of geopolitics but its my favourite part of the lecture series so far. And this is further affirms my finding related items for my consolidation of knowledge, such as 2 articles on this topic in 2 different Foreign Policy issues! A short one on Kurdistan and its conflict with Iran and the other on Limbo States (the best article I've read all year). Anyway Limbo States may not be of interest to most people I have to say, its rather newfangled even for me. In fact this is the first completely new idea I've gotten to understand this year (perhaps its just ignorant old me). So I am determined to do my class response on that, even though I know little about them.

Yeah, that's the point of this post. Haha.

2010-01-22T20:58:00.000+08:00

I've been waiting for an epoch (okay maybe about a few weeks) for this particular word that I instinctively knew would be an apt word for how I've been feeling for quite a while. Its not that high flown nor ornate but I knew I had to see this word to come to terms with my stream of consciousness. Maybe I just have a pygmy of a vocabulary so I couldn't channel it from a feeling to a perfect word (I just have this thing with germane words or in fact just words in general). But anyway the word is 'desensitized'. Yeah its quite a disappointing sort of word isn't it? (In addition its a word people usually use in conjunction with pornography and teenagers or things like these) However, the moment I saw it in ST (or is it Time), it was like revelation descending upon my clouded head. It rings so true and just makes me so much more sensitive to my desensitized self. What an mockery.

Anyway, I've been looking forward to seeing 'desensitized' because I just happen to feel so, very innately. Its either me being just another apathetic youth (yet another) or being jaded (this is another word I like very much and was very recently reminded of its existence). Jaded about so many things, about crises, about disasters, about all the horrors of the world (except maybe women's rights for now) I can't even explain how the crystallization of my now jaundiced eyes and head had set in. I used to get all horrified and sympathetic about things I read but now I don't really, I think about them in a rather cruel pragmatic way.

So I guess I just wanted to remind myself of this visceral yearning to stop being calloused. I am sure its the effect of the lovely people with zesty kindness around me who scramble off in pursuits of peace leaving me in the dust of my guilt.

On another note, Geopolitics is awesome! I am feeling rather immersed in an area of discussion and an experience that definitely does not leave me desensitized. Its pretty inspirational because I am wanting to understand geopolitics, territorial sovereignty, its relation to national identity and such issues for a long time but I never got round to doing so in depth. Its so cool, I am just smarmy over it (although I wouldn't be able to discuss it at length right now). For some strange reason, the fascination with Kosovo and the instinctive asking someone about the Cold War (no doubt a summarized version) was just my subconscious self preparing for all this. However, I may have much trouble with some war issues since I am afterall quite desensitized to wars and such. But it (the entirety of it all)'s so much larger than life for me, very very very cool :)

2010-01-14T21:35:00.005+08:00

On account of me being in the doldrums for quite a while today (when I was alone and everyone else scuttled off to their classes), I read Broader Perspectives in the library and was quite absorbed with this review issue glossing over all the significant events and people of 2009. And I've decided on my own 3 favourite people (who all happen to be women!) of last decade (the noughties I suppose; silly end of decade articles and 2000/2001 confusion have certainly created internal pandemonium for me). And my heroes happen to be : Sonia Sotomayor, Hilary Clinton and Angela Merkel. Critics of Clinton (or Merkel) just keep those wardrobe comments in the wardrobe and leadership dissent somewhere else. They are just such awesome glass-ceiling smashers (they're smashing alright), their positions alone make up for their flaws. And yet somehow I don't appreciate Ho Ching very much (maybe this blog will come to haunt me when I try out for touchy positions huh haha), I think its mostly my very innate biases against anything remotely hinting of nepotism.

Anyway, Mrs Clinton is hilarious, I've played this video repeatedly for about 4 times:

2010-01-09T21:58:00.000+08:00

This morning I met 2 ladies from Aware, Corinna who's the assistant secretary and another volunteer. I think I was pretty much a nervous wreck because they were asking me about what I knew and how I felt about Aware and feminist issues and you know I am quite tabula rasa about things like these even though I claim to be a passionate feminist (in fact I am quite tabula rasa about most intellectual things). Besides, in the presence of two strange adults and slightly sectarian females who happen to be a lawyer and a banker respectively, I was mostly grinning like an idiot and blabbing pretty headless stuff. It was rather exciting for me though, just like those internet predator incidents where young nymphs meet up with strange people except these very cool women from aware erm aren't predators (although my mom might disagree with this ><).

They had a mini cri de coeur about the recent sentosa molestation incident and got rather ardent and vitriolic about aware's statement and how the public's viewpoint was rather patriarchal and unfair. So I went home quite stirred up by them and had a mini debate with my mother who anyway still insists that the girl deserves to be molested. However, my stand (very much influenced by the ladies) remains that no one, despite being promiscuous or skimpy deserves to be violated or molested. Its just reeks of a distasteful infringement of women's rights (or human rights for that matter).

Oh you can see Corinna here in this razor tv interview although they cut her short but she's extremely, cool. And even if you think she's not that cool, you get to see the molestation, so there (for all lusty singaporeans out there). And there is Aware's very awesome statement which they discussed with me (horrible narration though).

http://www.razor.tv/site/servlet/segment/main/currentaffairs/42118.html

I feel so charged up and inspired, I am sure this is the release of the fervent feminist in me. Although I may not want to volunteer full time with aware yet, I know women issues will be something special and close to my heart. The ladies by the way were very nice and inspirational, and though I may not agree fully with some of Aware's propagation such as its sex ed and though they are quite scary and wild-eyed (and maybe just a tiny bit female chauvinistic), I understand their logic behind what they do and how their liberal standards just happen to not strike home with Singapore's conservatives.

Its extremely unbecoming of me but the need for a strong feminist movement is so important to any society, even the most liberal ones (and I am not pointing to singapore, not with a foot long pole in any case). Women are just subscribing to being beneath, so much so that we don't feel it but the ladies have shown me that it is very much possible to look at things from a different point of view that differs from our scathing, accusatory and singaporean Singaporean society. And even if its me subscribing to a wild fancy, I think its always fine to discuss current affairs from an unfamiliar perspective, GP wise.

2010-01-03T17:23:00.000+08:00

"The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree

Are of equal duration"

Section V, Little Gidding, Four Quartets

I've been staunching keeping my storybooks to bath time (I do read novels while I bathe, it used to be time magazines in the past year haha) and fiendishly rereading Wide Sargasso Sea and quite despising it. Its such a terrible feeling stowing The Rose and the Yew Tree (by Mary Westmacott; nom de plume of Agatha Christie) away and going to read my econs notes. Its slightly contrastive if you think about her usual poirot types, in fact I am not quite sure what sort of novel it is, a murder hasn't occurred as far I know and I am a third into the book. Wikipedia however insists on it being a tragedy so I'll wait for something to happen, the slightly befitting part of the plot being a tragedy would be the invalid protagonist I guess. I wouldn't know much about British politics but the plot focuses on small seaside town politicking and the liberals and all the parties, could have been horribly confusing and dreary but I am rather intrigued by the quaintness of it.

And I've come to realise that Anne Tyler novels are character novels and not so much the pulsating plot-ty ones I like. But they're beautiful and lavish in the oddest sense, especially when the characters get a little stained, strained and slightly obscure four to five days after I've read the book (when I start to forget their names). Its true that the books turn into a lull and you sort of forget you've been reading it but finishing them gives you the most baffling sort of understanding about human nature.

This morning at church, I was pretty sick of what I was hearing about multiplication, this sort of direction rather puts me off religion and somehow religionizes religion. I'd like to think of my Christianity as faith (not so much a religion, religion sounds so remote and tiring) but sometimes overtly theoretical proselytizing and dogmatic pushy visions make me wonder if it were about a God or glorification of ourselves and our churches. So I broke my unresolute and periodic (I wish I would, yearly) resolution to stop biting my nails and birthed 3 bloody right hand nailbeds in a spate of boredom and aversion. So much for leaving them for a levels.

Today I've been thinking about how I haven't become the articulate person I hoped last year could have fashioned out of me, to gloss about politics and the world and to know how to sound like I am writing a new york times article. And I am looking at adults around me and feeling quite like I've never grown up. I probably couldn't write or discuss any topic intelligently enough unlike if I were reading it (although I'd like to reject this of course). Maybe I can look to read books for a living in a cave in yemen (haha) and fancy myself being that charismatic (I don't mean to use an adjective as a noun and I don't mean the religious mean of the word) when I am about a hundred and thirty.

And as for how I am being such a selfish and assuming adolescent, not giving thanks and not waving in glee about all the goodness and juicy exultations of 2009, I keep to being self-deprecatory on my blog though I could go on forever about my wonderful being when I am with myself.

2009-12-31T13:18:00.001+08:00

I am feeling really pleased with myself because I've finally finished that 30 page vocab-dictionary thing which took me about 80 days to complete! My abominable vocabulary had expanded by just a wee little because I was mostly preoccupied with finishing it rather than to remember those foreign ones. My current favourite words are panegyric (so strange sounding), verisimilitude (sounds rather Tamil-ish) and wraith (which means ghost, I thought it was a typo of wrath haha)

It was erm pretty nice and savoury (tee hee, bad usage I know) to know that disinterested is not the same as uninterested and how words that start with i never look like how they do mean something quite different as well as how virtuoso isn't really a changeling of Mafioso and means something quite like what it looks like.

Anyway, it'll be perfunctory for me to do a end of year witch-hunt for my misgivings but I won't. 2009 has been quite some year for me to extol but I am pretty much ending it off whimsically with my holidays very atrophied. I am fearful of next year..

2009-12-27T18:53:00.000+08:00

My somewhat conscious unconsciousness gave me the best christmas present I could imagine (and that's true). I woke up on Christmas morning crying because I dreamt that I had died. The strangest niggling thing was that I don't usually wake crying but that narrow nexus between being in Morpheus' cruel inferno and awakening sent me bawling myself awake.

I was reading in The Amateur Marriage (yes I am still on that awfully long book) about 'killing the frog by the degrees'. And amongst the panoply of all the ways death could feel like (there are plenty of ways people describe dying right? right.), I felt so much like a broiling frog except the frog couldn't feel the fatality it was experiencing and I could.

The dream went along the lines of some doctor telling me I had cancer and for all free love and peace and to rid myself of suffering someone should shoot me with a gun. And someone one did (my mother I think) and I was in this profane prisoner-of-war-ish position kneeling with my back towards this crowd gripping this other stranger who was to be executed too. Then my executor shot me (the mother thing is a coincidence, I am not implying anything haha) in my back and I felt this intense pain in reality (or maybe it was just part of my stupor). Oh and I forgot to add that the quack did say that the bullet will give me another day to live before I do die slowly like the frog killed by degrees.

And as the phrase implies, killing the frog by the degrees just means that something is done so gradually you wouldn't notice. Like how if a frog is put into cold water and set to a slow flame, the water heats up a degree at a time and eventually kills the frog without it feeling a thing.

The 24 hours after I was shot would feel just like the frog but just that I knew what was coming but couldn't feel it. I guess it would be a little like what euthanasia, mercy killing and lethal injection on a gurney and how all that dying feels like. Its sacrilegious of me to dismiss 'that feeling' but that was one strange and surreal dream plus I don't know all that much about what dying feels like.

And in the end I did die and I saw myself in a coffin at my funeral. I was not glad it wasn't garish but in my last hours I managed to arrange for my funeral with my mom as I liked it. I can't remember what it looked like though I did request to be cremated in a tutu -.-

And I remember very surely that I cried while watching my family mourn from above like the angels and souls and ghouls do and it was because I haven't done my a levels. Sometimes, dreams are ominous signs. Haha.

2009-12-19T10:36:00.000+08:00

Vietnam was experiential while I was shallow to say that it was 'historical and cultural' because that would be the kitsch part of Vietnam, the Vietnam I experienced was a very much a fueled (because of the traffic) and communist one (don't bark at me for saying this).

I'll just write out some excerpts from my handwritten notes chronologically (on which I wrote on some hotel letter papers). And by chronologically I mean by the day and not by the thoughts haha.

DAY 1

Ho Chi Minh City has somewhat fulfilled my presumption of traffic chaos. Appropriately I would have described it as ebb and flow and terrific jams, the constant movement of motorbikes and scooters and all directions give the vibe of a rapidly developing and very vibrant city. (But my experience over 5 days tell me otherwise, I mostly think of it as massive unproductivity).

Maybe thailand has bad traffic but HCMC's is the epitome of ebb and flow, I simply can't find another phrase to describe it. During peak hours (or in fact all hours) we mostly marvel and frighten ourselves being in the middle of the anarchic traffic. The sheer volume, energy and disarray is pretty much the reason to visit the city. It also formed the basis of what we mostly discussed in the car whilst being snared in bottlenecks.

The city definitely jumps at you in it being such a deep-seated experience, being the polar opposite of the going on tour to a nice tourist enhanced country. Vietnam is still very much authentic and genuine but not quite that fuzzy and comfortable holiday.

Ben Tanh Market was a-maze-ing in its disorder, I enjoyed the way it seemed kitsch and tourist oriented yet very much local. My mom found its narrow pushiness stifling and felt faint but I relished the buzz of its entirety (erm also because it was a rare shopping opportunity, but drab shopping I assure you. Lacquerware anyone?).

On a side note, I wanted to be a good tourist so I tried to be less critical and to adopt a backpacker's sort of warm embrace towards the traffic (still infuriating!), dust and all.

DAY 2

Today was harrowing, we toured the city, visited the War Remnants Museum and almost died in the Vietnam's football frenzy.

The War Remnants was just like reviews said, propaganda fueled but still very much compelling and horrifying. I mean, the pictures and displays were undeniably facts but I guess it was propaganda in the way the captions and explanations convinced you of the war crimes. I was never a fan of wars and history and museums but this was one museum that made you affected, recoil and tear a little. The deformed fetuses, guillotine, tiger cages, torture tactics were harsh and crippling even for cold-hearted me. It was slightly education even, since I didn't know much about the reality of the war and about Agent Orange (chemical defoliant sprayed over the land to destroy the land and ecology, resulting in generations of genetic deformities). To make it worse, we saw several heavy deformed vietnamese during the trip, I couldn't help but wonder if they were such due to the war.

The football frenzy: it was Vietnam vs. Singapore in the SEA games semi-finals, Vietnam won, and took to the streets in celebration. In the meantime, we were stuck in the gridlock for 3 hours striaght, most of the time 100m away from our hotel. It would be an understatement to say they painted the town red (with their red communist flag).

Pictures may suffice to describe the trauma of being in the car with thousands milling around us. It was like being in a riot or rampage and is definitely that once in 50 lifetimes experience. During that time, we were all sort of shivering with pure fear and tearing in horror. What could I say? Vietnam's communist and nationalist spirit was up on display. Swarming the highway to the city centre, they set up roadblocks with their motorbikes, stood on their bikes and waved the now very ominous red flag madly. Such a consolidated experience of communism >.<

Here's a video of what happened that night:

I wouldn't ever want to be caught in such a frenzy again but I was thankful it came as part of my Vietnam experience. It left us flummoxed with our un-nationalism, grateful for partial safety and somewhat hopeless going in circles, coming out of one roadblock to get entrenched in another block party near Independence Park. We now call it the Vietnamese cult movement hahaha.

DAY 3

Yesterday's ordeal made the usual ebb and flow seem rather tranquil (but it isn't really). The swarming bothered us less and being in a car just gives you the feeling of being a carcass surrounded by flies (being the motorbikes). We kind of just gave up commenting on the traffic.

Today we went on tour to the Cu Chi Tunnels , another war related attraction. This one helped to enforce the resilience of the vietnamese and the horror of war crimes and all that they want us to believe.

The tunnels were dug over 30 years by the guerillas during the war to escape from the Americans. We went into a one-storey tunnel, mom felt claustrophobic and so we did not proceed to go to the second or third storeys (underground!). The tunnels were enlarged for tourists but the thought of the vietnamese worming through them, giving birth in them, cooking in them and eventually defeating the Americans was a bleak one but definitely admirable.

DAY 4

We went on a day tour to the Mekong delta but I was pretty disappointed with how I didn't get to see the river in the way I studied it. We stuck to going upstream, so I didn't see the delta and the view of the river was mainly the wide lower course from a boat's perspective. It was mostly visits to riverside farms (ack- touristy) and a sampan ride down a tributary rowed by old ladies. The sampan ride was nice and surreal because of the swish and glide of the sampan through the narrow and quiet river path.

Quite a nice change from the war crap that sort of messes with your mind.

DAY 5

We went home today.

All I feel is this deep love and admiration for my dad surviving in such a strangling city and I am just really glad to go home with my experience.

I am having such trouble uploading the pictures, I'll do them another day.

2009-12-11T15:47:00.000+08:00

I've been reading too many random books except those I need to.

Its really odd how you never want to read your lit texts and you want to read everything else that isn't. I've read about half of both WSS and IC but stuffed them in a corner in my study and forgotten about them for half a month.

In the meantime, I have with much critical analysis discovered that Anne Tyler is not too bad (based on having read half of Digging to America and none of The Amateur Marriage both of which I just borrowed). Digging to America deals somewhat with the postcolonial syndrome I am rather aquatinted with now (hahaha): immigrants - culture clashes - rejection - rebellion - the idea of homogeneity - traditions-values (both being challenged) - esteem issues - inferiority/superiority - fitting in - erm Iranians in America - Americans in America with Iranian friends - Iranians and Americans adopting Korean kids - triple colonisation of identity (haha example being the adopted Korean girl with Iranian American parents) etc. I like the idea that I am thinking about the subtle (I hope) theme so much so I am not exactly forgetting all about lit. Actually I am pretty sure I am deluding myself about the understated nuances I like myself to think that I notice because they're very much in your face.

But Anne Tyler writes in a very nondescript family fiction way that could get a little dull but doesn't because I am pinching myself with admiration of how I can spot the post-co theme. I could very possibly be bored by her but the book's strangely magical and captivating in a homely-very shy read- but still quite intriguing way.

Quite a change from some book I've been reading about 3 pregnant women, a traumatising example of chicklit gone a little awry (for me), The Yorkshire Pudding Club. I guess I am not mother material yet hahaha.

2009-12-09T11:13:00.000+08:00

I am going to Ho Chi Minh in 4 days and I am feeling really dreary and woozy because I've waited for a pretty long time to go on holiday.

After about 4 barely rustled guidebooks and quite a lot of tripadvisor.com, I think I've come to know Vietnam a peek better than it being just another Southeast Asian LDC. Actually I think Vietnam (or rather Ho Chi Minh) is the epitome of the SEAsian LDC because it is so much like a less cosmopolitan Thailand (shopping not as exciting, I gather) with how its urbanizing so quickly yet having a somewhat non-parallel way of development (or so my feeble mind figured out with what little I know of urbanization and LDCs and vietnam).

I've been pretty fascinated with Vietnamese postcolonial culture (not purely to do with studying post colonial lit!) because of its French influences (at least what I read of in the guidebooks about the Old Quarter in Hanoi, architecture, old people who can speak French and pâté baguettes). But I recently realized too that all the amalgamation, hyphenation and blending of cultures seems so 'cultural and historical' (and touristy) because I am just pretty much immune to my own little singaporean post colonial orb (but lets just not go down our merlions and fishing villages rant today). It always seems like a foreign country's culture is way more visceral than our own (and no I am not unpatriotic) however foreign. It'll be a slightly different holiday without the tour group slumming and rose-tinted glories in a chartered bus since we'll be around on our own (to all the usual tourist destinations hahaha). I am just happy to go on holiday, it doesn't matter if I've to wear sandals all the time to ventilate my sweaty feet in humid Ho Chi Minh.

Springrolls, Pho (pronounced fur) and baguettes here we come! (haha I think Frommers and Lonely Planet got to me).

2009-12-04T22:18:00.000+08:00

I've spent the past 4 days in complete isolation and healing (not that I've become a yogi) because of a new snout that has sprouted from my left cheek. The surgery left me cusping the lump with my hands everywhere I go because it is just too heavy as if I had grown another face.

Soft foods. Antibiotics. Antiseptic mouthwash. TV. Soft foods. Antibiotics. Audiobooks (The Sittaford Mystery and Endless Night = happyness). Notes on Atmospheric Processes and Hazards (Horrible!!!). Soft foods. Antibiotics. Soft foods. Antibiotics. Soft foods. Antibiotics. Lying on the couch. Soft foods. Antibiotics.

The menu mostly consisted of blended apples, porridge, minced noodles, minced meat, minced fish, minced veggies and mashed potatoes, (ice cream). Baby food.

That pretty much summed up my past 4 days. I wonder how time passed so fast, must be the agony of entertaining my new throbbing appendage that has taken on a life of its own (a nice purply very becoming bruise).

Suffering all on my own while my mom's getting holy at some religious retreat. I did quite enjoy the lazing around with a proper excuse bit though. Haha.

2009-12-01T15:19:00.000+08:00

I just had my lower wisdom tooth surgery and upper wisdom tooth extraction on my left today: TITANIC TRAUMA.

They stuck a dozen colossal needles to 'numb the general nerves', wrapped me up like a nice plump dumpling (testament to how I really am putting on weight), blindfolded me and put weights on my chest!!! (so I couldn't flail in pain). All these even before they eased a chainsaw in there. Then they began to scrape at my gums to peel them back and very quickly got at my bones (great orchestral sawing going on) before cracking my tooth and ripping out in fragments. And god forbid, we still had the upper tooth to extract which was done in a jiffy, thank goodness.

I am currently bleeding half to death with no attestation of blood returning to my now very pale pallour. *stares at the 3 bags full of bloody spit in the bin*

I don't want to get the other side done T.T

Oh but on a really pleasant note, I won an URBAN contest (those merchandise ones on the editor's page) after a gatrillion trivial tries since Urban had contests. And sadly it was a Sally Hansen nail polish hamper, I think it wouldn't be too handy for my very raw gummy nailbeds.

2009-11-30T10:56:00.000+08:00

The theory 'Parity of esteem' has been bludgeoning me the past few weeks, not because I've been revising the last part of Geography's socio-economic polarisation and its phenomenon in global cities. (but I mostly remember because its the most interesting and relevant part if you ask me, the rest are not that appealing nor can I remember them haha) Also because I like happy theories about peaceful Pacific Ways (learnt that in today's review section that Pacific Ways refer to doing things through dialogue and discussion like how laid back aussies and new zealanders always live around the their barbys) but please don't think parity of esteem occurs only in the pacific but I am sure it does sometimes happen elsewhere.

Parity of esteem has a lot to do with Pluralism because in my understanding of both, they essentially deal with groups of people that are disparate and parity of esteem is the happy ending where we all live in harmony very gleefully because we are oh so tolerant and peace loving.

But its really because I see parity of esteem being unfulfilled in my very sad and pyrrhic life. Pyrrhic because I have so many false victories which I don't deserve and can't maneuver and sad because I never enjoy my pyrite before it all turns to brass. I won't declare perfidy on people that happen to be in my way because parity of esteem is not between me and another but I would think between communities.

Not being spiteful but just truthful, my personal unParity of Esteem is between Modern dance and Hiphop. I always thought my job was to eventually navigate these treacherous territories despite my overwhelming bias to tip over to fall into Modern Dance's warm tidals. But I do feel compelled to share all my love for dance and spread it around. However, I am very subtly hit in the face with pure disrespect and a whole of of esteem from the other side. And all I am able to do is categorize it into a theory, hurray for me!

Then again don't take offense because I make dramas out of my life. I inherited a much better lot than I might have.

The Berlin Wall is just a famous exhibition of Parity of Esteem and the minarets of Switzerland is just another example of Pluralism . Petty stuff manifest best, they are so true and so agonizing.

2009-11-22T22:52:00.000+08:00

I take back my elation.

My teeth are the bane of my existence and I swear the instigator of a personal life crisis.

How does 2 wisdom tooth surgeries and 2 wisdom tooth extractions sound?

Age of wisdom my foot, all its giving me is fear for the future. *whines and bleats*

Its simply as gross as peeling open my back gums, drilling round my bone structure and extracting the fool of a tooth nestled underneath. And of course, stitching it all shut. While being blindfolded during the entire process (twice!) will leave me none the wiser.

I think my gilded teeth have very effective covered a month's rent for my dentist. Prodigious, my wise molars are destined to bleed (us dry that is) -.-

2009-11-17T16:28:00.000+08:00

I am brace free! Hurray!!! *does a batty dance*

While I am rapturous to get them off after 2.5 years of mortal mouth coil, my mom isn't too pleased with the results. I have to admit they're still a little bucked but 2.5 years of prodding, tightening and torture has presented my teeth nonpareil. I am sure nothing more can be done to force those bucking huge incisors inwards.

Anyway I've been having a great time guzzling without the need to twist my tongue into the oddest crevices to clean my braces. And I found great joy in flossing my teeth in a minute flat while looking back at the 15 minute long bathroom regiment I almost always try to wriggle out of with nostalgia (not).

Too bad you won't be seeing much of my million dollar smile (cliched but my mom calls it that with utmost sarcarsm) here. Haha.

2009-11-12T16:33:00.000+08:00

I've just tried the best thing that the world has since God created humanity (actually possibly the worst seeing how we botch everything): Pilates. I am not wanting to sound like an advertisment but Pilates is possibly my only saving grace, especially for my pouch in the front.

My entire body has never ached so badly since ballet classes, and in a morbid way I really find the soreness comforting. Yet I believe ballet has never given me this very special tingly, even sinewy feeling where I could feel so in control and as much as my hardly limber body will allow.

Ballet always represented perfection for me, it's only when watching the most distinct individuals that you gasp with wonder because the dancer would have executed something spot on. And in that way ballet, never allows for flaws because it's the epitome of aesthetics. Sure, we can all do 'adult ballet' to keep fit but any regular person can almost never reach that peak of perfection. It's so hard to explain unless you've experienced the slip from the peak. I've never found that same control I had for a while when I was younger and somehow I know it'll never return.

Even after 13 years of ballet, I never found that perfection to allow me to put my feet up on my laurels for a mere second. Ballet requires so much out of one, the co-ordination, the artistry, the plain dexterity didn't come naturally to me. And yet I loved it so much because it was so unattainable and so otherworldly.

Yesterday's Pilates (on a reformer!!!) has unveiled my weaknesses (horribly flimsy armpit muscles) but has shown me a different side to Control. And in this light, it's a different sort of control because it feels like its sprouting from the inside, building from the inside and consolidating my innermost. Its an unbelievable feeling. I daresay I've just encountered the true love of my life.

Anyway, if you're interested, there's a new private pilates place called The Pilates Place (haha). Trials are $15 and probably one to one (I've had that fortune). Just search for it on google. Classes usually cost $110 so even the worst couch potato should find some thrill in such a bargain. I'd say just go for it for a fleece.

Sigh, I am such a high maintenance kid. Where will I get a thousand bucks to fund my insatiable ardor?

And a reformer looks like this:

Looks like some torture device but its a contraption made by heaven.

2009-11-10T11:36:00.001+08:00

So many people have said that they cried buckets after My Sister's Keeper and I wonder why I didn't cry, not even a sniffle. I could never make myself emotionally attached enough to cry for any show, in fact I am pretty sure I've never sniveled at the most heart-strings-tugging-tear ducts-yanking-chest-heaving-incessant-bawling type of movies.

Expecting for it to be quite a tear jerker, I had tried to look out for parts that I should feel compelled to shed at least a tear but the dolefulness that wells up inside at certain heart-wrenching fragments, I guess didn't quite juice mine hard enough. I am sure its not that I am callous and cold but I just couldn't condole compassionately. I did feel sad but still the movie fell flat, I prefer the book much more :)

Books are way more vicarious than movies. I think that the movie had rather exploited the book a little too much and the emotional milking was simply one of an vexatious sobstory, possibly a bad siphoning of what Picoult's true story was about.

2009-11-08T21:49:00.000+08:00

I saw something really fascinating tonight on the bus. This Muslim family with a harem of ladies and their kids boarded the bus. What caught my eye was that all the females were wearing identical black silken headscarfs that fell softly to their waists. Definitely not the usual slightly garish types we see on maciks but beautiful even slightly chic. And they were all wearing identical ebony ones including the youngest girls. I was could hardly stop myself from gawking. And after a quick search I found these headscarfs are called Khimar. Very very fascinating and hypnotic I have to say. I mean headscarfs are not what I believe in as to my strong avowal about womyn autonomy and freedom. But I wouldn't go into Islamic territory and womyn rights right now seeing how I am so benighted about religion and their relation to rights anyway.

I don't think they are Singaporeans since their clothes all matched perfectly and the fabric they wore, rather lavish. And a true wonder is how they are so affectionate, the main couple (I kind of picked out one pair) were holding each other around their waists. It was astounding but saccharine sweet, and I thought they were the conservative sort. Anyway just wanted to share my wonder.

Poem from one of the best books ever published:

Ten little Indian boys went out to dine; One choked his little self and then there were Nine.
Nine little Indian boys sat up very late; One overslept himself and then there were Eight.
Eight little Indian boys traveling in Devon; One said he'd stay there and then there were Seven.
Seven little Indian boys chopping up sticks; One chopped himself in halves and then there were Six.
Six little Indian boys playing with a hive; A bumblebee stung one and then there were Five.
Five little Indian boys going in for law; One got into Chancery and then there were Four.
Four little Indian boys going out to sea; A red herring swallowed one and then there were Three.
Three little Indian boys walking in the Zoo; A big bear hugged one and then there were Two.
Two little Indian boys were out in the sun; One got all frizzled up and then there was one.
One little Indian boy left all alone; He went out and hanged himself and then there were none.

Slightly morbid but it sets the mood for the book very awesomely.

Sorry no large words these few entries.

2009-11-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

Hurray, I've many happy things to be cheery about:

1. 2 Poirot audio books - The Sittaford Mystery and Endless Night

2. I borrowed And Then There Were None, one of Agatha Christie's classics. It inspired Harper's Island and makes me so euphoric and blissful. Definitely one of my favourite books after Murder on the Orient Express (my absolute love) that I can read repeatedly for comfort, repose, serenity and scares.

3. OP is finally over! And it was as perfect as perfect could be. I really couldn't see our group doing a better job than today :)

4. Dance is about to begin and we've many juniors under our wings. Well, at least we surpassed 5 juniors signing up (the very humble crowd I had expected); I was about to turn modern dance into debates if no one expressed interest in joining. (Just joking haha)

Now I'll just turn to rot and bum about for a while.

2009-11-05T21:03:00.001+08:00

You know, I've always been consumed by wanderlust. I think I inherited it from my dad and in some ways I have this affliction devouring me in a slightly more ruthless manner.

When I was young I always wanted to emigrate and that hasn't changed one bit. The ruthless stain of peregrination that's on the inside of me is that I wouldn't mind leaving everything behind to go abroad. Even my family. (I am ruthless this way, don't mock me ><) No longer do I just want to frolic in a farm in Australia or cavort in a dingy apartment in the NYC but I want to be some sort of a contemporary nomad to just graze the culture of one tiny hamlet before I decamp to the next.

Having the knowledge that the world is so so so, big (the most apt word haha), I just don't fancy and don't care to see myself bumbling in such a sanitized and so very palatable place. Singapore is yet again too safe, too clean and too easy to swallow. For me at least.

Before we all go on about how I seem too much of a priss to want to experience the inconvenience of world and her albatross. Let me just say that I simply want to let out my little idealist of an inner child that's scathing inside just so I can revel in resplendent dreams once in a while.

2009-11-03T22:15:00.001+08:00

I can't believe how I could have turned dance from something intrinsic and passionate and weedled it down to being methodological and task driven. The shocker is that I have become quite a control freak and I am actually enjoying it quite a bit. But all I hanker for is to withdraw from tacit interpretation and love dance like how I used to because that close to heart feeling is hanging from thin threads, my heartstrings?

Anyway today I went to Tampines 1 with my mom and we came to an agreement that it is a subpar mall dressed up as a frilly muffin. However, one very gratifying (and guilty) part was that we had a very spicy (and oily) lunch with Thai and Indian influences and a warm chocolate cake each (the oozy lava one) from bakerzin. I think it is true when they say that you blossom when you're a teenager since my stomach flab has indeed grown to be one fabulous mulch ball proselytizing pandemonium. I have never been so well rounded in my life. However, it remains strictly in the breadbasket (tummy) and in my shanks (haha gross way of describing limbs huh) area -.-

In fact my mother thought I was born bulimic since I insisted on purging out all my food the moment I get it down when I was young. I have never had a paunch until now.

Another more serious realization is that I could do with more bucolic and sedate retreats especially as an affectionate daughter to my mom. In fact in the past few months, whenever we were in a mall, I'd be in some frenzy to get home to do work, any work, just so I keep tabs on how I am not lotus-eating.

2009-10-31T22:53:00.001+08:00

The number one indication that I have had too many a Laura Childs' A Tea Shop Mystery books is that I am suddenly convinced that I have a passion for tea making and would like to open a Tea Shop. As I soaked in my convincing of myself of how I do really have a bout of tea fondness, I fathomed that we do have horrible tea at home. All I had to choose from this morning is this pack of Lipton tea leaves (not even a distinct type of brew!) and some old tin of Earl Grey I got from Tan Tock Seng hospital for free.

Anyway being so inspired by recipes from the Indigo Tea Shop, I insisted on trying out a soup from the book. (Yes they do have recipes at the end! How adorable!) However, it was either Cucumber Soup, Low Country Black Bean Soup or Hot and Sour Green Tea Soup. But cucumbers being my sister's nemesis was out of the question and agenda naturally so I ended up trying the Green Tea Soup. Let's just say my mother compared it to those vinegary brews womyn drink post pregnancy while I thought it rather peculiar. There was a faint scent of green tea but the overpowering taste of sesame oil and rice wine (!!) made my guts tremble. Not for the faint hearted but here's the recipe:

Combine soy sauce, rice wine, ginger and sesame oil in a bowl. Add chicken strips tossing to coat and marinate for 1o minutes. Meanwhile cook soba noodles in salted water and transfer to bowl after draining (we left the noodles out). Using a pot bring the green tea to a simmer, add in the chicken mixture, snow peas and leek (we left out the snow peas and leek). Cook over low heat until the chicken is cooked. Stir in vinegar and cilantro and ladle into bowls.

The ingredients can be gleaned from the instructions but I don't think anyone will be trying this out anytime soon eh?

2009-10-30T20:55:00.000+08:00

The number one lyrical I am going to wax about (just felt like saying wax lyrical this way) is how much I love Hecule Poirot. I had this amazing bargain today at some old bookstore by getting 2 Poirots for $4.20. That's $2.10 per book!!! And in Fontana editions too, I think I'll just die happy and leave you to wreck those grey cells of yours as to why I'll do so before I read them. I was actually really pleased with myself for fishing out Murder on the Links and Peril at End House for $3 each but I guess bookstores have their sales too. Happiness!!!

I love Fontana editions because they have 'Agatha Christie' printed in font size 40000 on the cover page and have the best illustrations of bloody knives. While dissidents (at least in my opinion) scowl at how the pages are a (lovely) yellow-umberish brown around the edges and how they smell just a little musty and how I cradle them in my palms as they crumble (rather crisp-ly). I just have to profess that I am one with Poirot my man and I call this vintage, not age.

Anyway, being so steeped mysteries has made my eyes a little glazed over because I have been going through Tamar Myers and Laura Childs with wild abandon. Which reminds me of how I used to soak in Sweet Valley with such relish. Yeah, I know, Sweet Valley is so last epoch but I lay claim to having read all the Sweet Valley Kids/ Twins/ High and half of SV University in Marine Parade Library. Say they are brainless books but I had rather felt that I grew up in SV. I was dreamy that way. And SV University can even be considered thriller if you'd just cut out those predictable romantic bits. And I love how they always end off with some sort of morass so that you must look for the next in series, which you'll never find based on my impecunious experience.

2009-10-27T12:39:00.000+08:00

I am at a crossroad of a crossroad. You know, religion, like how most people see it or so I think how most people do, is supposed to be a source of direction and comfort and all that. But somehow, I feel driven away from religion because religion has become this niggling rusty can of worms that I cannot help but cradle but yet find myself trying to layer layers over it so I don't have to touch it.

I know exactly what is this diabolical force that has been pulsing in my head ad nauseam, it is somehow my conscience, my mother and my church. Horrible of me to say this but its true.

Sometimes I feel that religion is just a rational way of reasoning (strange, I know): you can say my success is due to God's grace and mercy but if you fail miserably perhaps you can argue that this is just part of God's plan or his test for you. And while I do give due thanks to God when things go well, the way people have been pressurizing me about religion makes me want to spit out a bad taste in my mouth. I think ad nauseam makes sense this way: the nausea of repetition strangles you, makes you dizzy and sticks an entire hand down your throat to make you retch.

So I am not sure how Philosophy will go down well with Chirstianity since religion can be thought of as a separate entity from philosophy. I guess Chirstianity is a philosophy on its own Biblically. What appeals more is philosophy as it is though. But on a superficial note, I quite like the sound of being catholic.

2009-10-16T20:56:00.000+08:00

I saw her falling into this laconic abyss but I just shut my eyes and pulled this sclera tight over them so I didn't need to see it. But that enigmatic dream three days ago where I hugged her so tightly in my arms that I can still feel her shape now, sent me into a vertiginous frenzy. And I realized I might have been too much of a self centered pedant that it may very well be too late. And now we're all too distant to reach and touch this comatose figure. But I know I still really love her. And yet I think I don't really care all that much because sobriety has rather lost that rein on her. Why do I, when I try to reach out, am burnt by anathema, when she's languishing and drawing us in?

Ack. I am such an apathetic busybody.

2009-10-13T17:15:00.000+08:00

I am convinced I am turning into a raisin.

My face is getting horribly dry and my lips are wrinkling into this burgundy prune. Furthermore, I woke up at 3am last night with this awesomely huge ulcer on the inside of my lip which I promptly bit open and it still remains pretty much swollen and gets in the way of my braces.

But actually I only said all that for the sake of being slightly gross since I cannot do the artful sensitive new-age teenager thing. The following will be a diabolical attempt to further wrestle and purge the contents of your stomach .

My pet fighting fish Hamminobumster (outrageously catchy and perky name I know) died two weeks ago from a bacterial infection. It all started when Bumster seemed lethargic and never really bothered to surface even when I visited once a month to terrorize it by tapping its container in all directions. It followed by this bulging of one of its eyes which if you asked me looked like one if a person had a thyroid problem. A few weeks days later Bumster's lips started to swell up and took up three quarters of its face and eventually turned inky. Then the left side (the one with the swollen eye) of its body bloated up and Bumster couldn't even balance itself horizontally and its eye (now the size of a golf ball) turned whitish and sclerotic while its scales stuck out like a pine cone. Whilst, forums on fish rearing suggest that Bumster will die within 25 hours, my very tenacious fish persisted. The poor languishing fish swam its last days on earth vertically and eventually spent its last few hours lying on its side on the coloured pebbles at the bottom of its little home.

But I still don't like fishes. They're indifferent, soppy and slimy. Neither did my mom so we threw Hammy away in a plastic bag.

2009-10-08T18:37:00.001+08:00

I was thinking maybe I should adopt a darker side to my personality since those melancholic angst-y people seem more dimensional than I do. But then again I wouldn't be as quirky and I'll just be as morose as the rest of them.

And I am quite woefully joyful since I didn't actually make that royal mess out of my essay but I had 3 spelling errors in my first paragraph which was honestly the bane threatening to deliver me from brilliant introductions. Such as 'forth' in 'fourth estate' which quite undermines my excitement and thoughtfulness (not that my thoughtfulness stretches past memorizing straight out of Broader Perspectives)in attempting to use such a phrase. I have to say that this apparent bonhomie comes from yet again from my pride for my sheer aptitude for memorizing 2 entire issues of the magazine regarding the media, which paid off well I have to say, despite those timorous (see nic, I am reduced to groveling from Richard III for vocab) moments which haunted me everyday before today about my massacre of a conclusion. And I don't know why I am given a growth stunt by the marker of my essay to "have restraint in exercising your literary flair" which I don't quite have much of anyway since any less would spell the dearth of those 3 spelling mistakes to be spelled out in my margins.

I borrowed this book 'Oxymoronica' from the library which revels in seemingly illogic quotes that are quite actually paradoxical and witty statements. My current favourites are:

"The Jews are a frightened people. Nineteen centuries of Christian love have broken their nerves"

On a crowded restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded"

"We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules."

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of non conformity"

"I hate intolerant people". Oh, strangely sounds like me. Except that I would have really bad math.

2009-10-05T17:20:00.000+08:00

Oh yes so back to the cult I was referring to yesterday. All seemed copacetic last sat when I was going home from church and by the train station I was halted by this lady who seemed very much respectable and nice in her business suit and little black folder. And fuelled by the spirit of being a nice christian girl I had no reservations helping her do her survey which happened to be about religion. I mean, religious surveys are riveting in how they can be so insensitive and incorrect at times so being myself I couldn't resist.

So the first 4 questions or so were regular 'what do you truly believe in and why and do you believe in an afterlife' types and when I got to questions 5, 6 and 7, I was treated to this mind-eye-spiritually boggling buffet of questions and answers (they are multiple choice haha) which I honestly could not comprehend nor prevent offence if I did answer them.

Then she launched into this repartee with me following an explanation on the existence of a 'heavenly mother' that co-exists with my previous conviction of a single omniscient heavenly father.

And the moment she said that most christians were believing in a warped notion of the heavenly father and were not going to receive the "waters of life", epiphany descended upon me and you should have seen me recoil. Later she tried bringing in some apocalyptic message about the earthquakes in Padang and floods in Philippines and how it was Armageddon. However at that moment I could merely try to stab myself in eyes because 'Armageddon' does somehow remind me of Mr. T and my a-levels kismet. The funniest moment was when she asked me if I felt 'shaky' and I indignantly asserted that I had faith as sturdy as before, before she clarified that she was in fact asking me about earthquake tremors.

So in trying to maintain a respectable level of sobriety (you should should have seen them try a group approach on me, I was almost left to cower ><), I sneaked away leaving those women (rather hurt and) puzzled with my sudden disinterest. But the internet and my instincts had proven my conspiracy theory right that they were part of an unorthodox branch of christianity called the World Mission Society Church of God. This cult (let me be cruel) very strangely believes that the earthly manifestation of a family is a replication of heaven and thus there is a heavenly father, mother and their children.

The only appealing part about this was its heavy emphasis on womyn and the power we wield. But as a religion no thanks, however much I do protest against the very patriarch christian notion I subscribe to, I wouldn't go as far that.

What I did though, (all of you will be beaming with pride!) was to be a full fledged paying member of AWARE. I think there are no literal benefits of being a member but what adorns me is the knowledge that I am putting my passion in action (it even rhymes haha).

2009-10-04T21:59:00.000+08:00

I was all ready to welcome the halcyon days to come and with wild abandon fling my now rather podgy arms to the prospect of doing as I please. I guess not, since I've rather run out of excitement with all the antsy anticipation falling flat over my head smothering me. I just feel breathless running all about after myself and watching my very unsociable self so the strangest things.

On another note, I haven't rid myself of the fascination with the word or shall I say name 'Siobhan' which epitomizes the glory of how words can not only ring round your ears ad nauseam but also are so so very strange and powerfully enticing. I've always thought 'Siobhan' was pronounced see-o-ban but just as the Irish are enigmatic and always insanely clogging (no pun intended) around (must be those mysteries set in Ireland that I've read that always involve graveyards and nuns); 'Siobhan' is radically pronounced shiv-vhan. I mean can you actually stop saying that word once you are privy to a portion of the sacred Irish patois? And you definitely have to agree that it is impossible to reconcile how such a word can be pronounced that way. So, in a spate of intrepidness, I've decided to name my macbook Siobhan although the name honestly isn't exactly aesthetic like a 'Claudia' or 'Natalie' would seem. But, I must insist on Siobhan although I don't know what the heck it means and though the connotations I get are one of a clumsy ox. The mere association with Ireland, green eyes, green birthstones and the rest are perfect reasons for me.

I do rattle. I think its the knowledge of how I might have made a royal mess of my gp essay. Not that I am royal, but some do like to establish that and crown me with the this wreaths of thorns and I must very graciously refuse. Hahaha.

I must mention my encounter with a bunch of religious zealots and my almost induction into a cult. But that will be for next time as I've one right at home making me do her bible study homework.

2009-08-28T18:14:00.000+08:00

The macbook pro is divine. Its so beautiful I can spend hours just smarming over it. The entire package was gorgeous and you know you didn't pay so much just for the mac because the entire box and accessories are drool worthy. Sigh.

On another note, thanks for the pressies everyone! You made this birthday very special for the cynic in me who honestly gave up about birthdays. The macbook is the perfect reason for a birthday to come trouncing about :) Now I know what perfection is all about. Its definitely not Mr. T for sure. Haha. The T can only be associated with terror and heading banging angst.

2009-08-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

I'd hate to be worldly but in approximately 2 days I'll be a very proud Mac-mom or otherwise a pretty little macbook's owner! Ahhh. I'm brimming with such excitment I'll pop any second just like that pufferfish in Sherman's Lagoon in today's comic section. And the strangest thing is my mom got an iPod Touch engraved with her name. And all I could do was try to halt my eyeballs from rolling back into their sockets for a siesta or something. Although we were just taking opportunity of the discount, my mother cannot be associated with technology unless in the radius of a taiwanese drama aired on tv. Good thing I am not a music person or I guess I'll flip at that haha. *faints from faint heart palpitations due to overzealous mac anticipation*

2009-08-15T20:23:00.000+08:00

After I learnt about how our school CAN produce scholars, I feel a deep resentment towards myself. Because I know that I would love one but I would hate one intensely. A scholarship would get me to places but I just want to go peregrinating without coming back and it would be hell to come trotting home as some lambish civil servant. I know I shouldn't be but I feel sclerotic towards being a 'good citizen' and being all pluffed up with nationalistic pride. I don't even care to be bellicose and fight this system because I am pretty sure we've got nepotism etched deep into the depths of pulau ubin and there's no point loving this place too much. I think I must be feeling the effects of my castration (what else can I say? its apt) already, I bet my dad's very pleased that he had played a part in gloating over our loss, not that he's a eunuch I am pretty sure.

And yet I can't ever understand an econs case study question perfectly right.

2009-08-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

I've been having a splitting headache for the past 9 hours and truthfully I am sick of having headaches so frequently. My mom claims is a pre menstrual, menstrual and post menstrual symptom but that would make headaches an everyday event since all three classify under all the days of a month. So I add it up to thinking about too many things at one, getting very stuffed up with things to say (and to order people around) and plain panic for not studying enough.

And as I inch closer to my birthday, not that I want to bring attention to it (I don't want it to come, its an ominous week!) I am just about an inch closer to my mac! I know its so worldly to want things but who can deny the dreamy feeling of gazing into a mac's very shiny interior and sighing while stroking the keyboard.

And I refuse to use the computer everyday. Until I get a mac then maybe I'll spend all my time stroking it in bliss. Its like necrophilia. See I mentioned a dirty word nicole. No wonder I got flagged.

2009-08-09T22:36:00.000+08:00

Somehow my blog got flagged for having objectionable content every time I look at it. I didn't think I was that offensive haha.

Anyway, horror sets in on me as I realise that I only read my econs notes and textbook repeatedly for the past 3 days. And the the greatest trauma is that I bit off all my nails while reading my notes and the past half a year of resisting those germ beds have come to naught. Highly criminal recidivism slaps me in the face because I can't quite scratch anything with those ten nobs. Ahhh. I hate myself for joining the club once again. To think that I was keeping them for those stressful periods to come. Now I am left with gnawing my flesh. Haha. No I don't really mean that.

And heartlessly, I missed national day while having math tuition, very much apathetically anyway. The only cool part about national day would be me looking back once I am out of Singapore hahahaha and saying those cliche things about cha kuay teow. Which I don't even like.

2009-08-06T20:15:00.000+08:00

I just saw that my last post was my 111th one which looked ominous for some strange reason. I like saying the word Ominous because it sounds nice round your tongue somewhat like omnomnom. Okay strange analogy but I think its the Om thing, not that I am into yoga or anything but Omnom sounds are therupetic. Hah.

And I must be on some philosophy streak since I strangely raided the school library's miserly section of non-fiction books intending to find some gp related things to seem somewhat intellectual. And I end up renewing Sophie's World for the third time and borrowing The Pig That Wants to Be Eaten: And Ninety Nine Other Thought Experiments which has many short philosophical experiments. I've just read the first five and though I wish I could be tabula rasa which is to enrich my very blank slate. I am still very much blank and I can only remember faint bits about an ice-cube ><

The funny thing was that I forgot the title of this book as well and tried searching for 'philosophy pig' on google and came up with Pig-Philosophy which is actually a kind of thought. However it seems kind of diabolical if you ask me. Something about how we're all greedy gluttonous hedonists instead of being made by God of which heaven is mainly about satisfying your sinful desires. It also brings up the idea of Jesuitism (the origins of the pig philosophy if I am not wrong)of everything opposite of God, truth and the divine. And becoming holy through sins. And if you ask me that sounds like satanism.

Okay, back to more important things.

2009-08-04T21:03:00.000+08:00

I finally found out what Tabula Rasa means; its Latin for 'blank slate' which essentially refers to a philosophical concept of how humans are all born 'blank' and clean (in a way) but become aware of feelings and expectations through experiences and continual perceptions. I always thought it sounded Malay for some very tabula rasa-ish reason, I guess then it is true since I would never have known if not for Sophie's World. Which I haven't had time to complete reading since I have Richard the menace and the Zheng He the Eunuch(Sailor) to think about.

Anyway while on my motivated dash, I found refuge in a dozen economics textbooks in the library although I have only gotten to trivial parts of 2. Still I am pleased to say that I felt very Tabula Rasa looking at the economics theories and graphs. I wish Tabula Rasa didn't apply to things like these, only if we were born with all this content, I wouldn't mind the purity of a saint (assuming then the Tabula Rasa parts were to do with morals and virtues and whatnot).

2009-07-31T20:43:00.000+08:00

Letter to My Sister
Anne Spencer

It is dangerous for a woman
to defy the gods;
To taunt them with the tongue's thin tip,
Or strut in the weakness
of mere humanity,
Or draw a line daring them to cross;
The gods own the searing lightning,
The drowning waters, tormenting fears
And anger of red sins.

Oh, but worse still if you mince timidly--
Dodge this way or that, or kneel or pray,
Be kind, or sweat agony drops
Or lay your quick body over
your feeble young;
If you have beauty or none, if celibate
Or vowed--the gods are Juggernaut,
Passing over . . . over . . .

This you may do:
Lock your heart, then, quietly,
And lest they peer within,
Light no lamp when dark comes down
Raise no shade for sun;
Breathless must your
breath come through
If you'd die and dare deny
The gods their god-like fun

2009-07-26T14:26:00.000+08:00

I've been strangely laid back for the past week. It leaves me feeling guilty and I cannot figure out the enigma of how I look forward to want to do many things but yet not really want to do them.

Anyway, Dance has officially started! And it feels like we're going sloth slow. I've no idea why we're learning how to walk like some concubine from some Chinese opera as 'exposure'. But the most exciting part though, although not that exhilarating, was our interaction with d'mvmt on Friday. Which honestly meant quite a lot to me because I not only got to see how unsupportive my own committee can be (no offense, but really! I don't care to mince my words). I realized how we all can have a little (just an intentional little little)fun together. And it makes me feel sheepish at how I thought it would be awkward, thank God it was just right.

So I am glad I did it. Even if my own dancers are critical of me, I know what I have to do. Its just a little effort on my part anyway. And privately, I wouldn't be the one executing the 'eternal alienation', because I don't care if someone chooses to be anti-me/social because I can be quite mean this way. I can be very cold sometimes >< *weeps unapologetically*

On a side note, I am just dramatizing it all for the fun of it.

2009-07-15T19:07:00.000+08:00

Oh terrible terrible terrible results. No wonder I've been having those ominous headaches every single day.
But I thank God for this test. I am more motivated than ever to do well.
And Geog made up for all the nasty stuff I had to face! So a huge hurray except lit sabotaged my life. And amazing how I thought that stupid Richard the third essay was fine. Hahahaha. I was deceived by my own wheel of deception which did a fairly unhazy job of giving me an epic lit fail. Grr.

2009-07-11T21:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's dance farewell was beyond my expectations :)
I managed to get 98% of the dancers to come! And with God's grace and love, the weather was perfect. It is a little quirky with the odd animal headband crowning ritual thing (haha, sorry I messed it up a little) but I am so glad I did it. I think the dance spirit, or rather the modern dance love was sentient last night. And that was important to me and I guess for the seniors. It was also fun seeing people wince at fruity wine which my mom expected us to finish (all 9 litres! ><), and how me and my mom had a peach wine and mee goreng tete-a-tete supper session after everyone was gone in an attempt to finish the wine haha. But we didn't, I think about 8 litres of wine still remains in the carton anticipating me and my mom's midnight wine sipping sessions haha. And thank God we didn't get alcohol poisoning cause I thought the carton of red wine looked kind of shifty and old.

And dancers! I made a Dance Society facebook group so if I haven't invited you please inform me. And join facebook for goodness' sake, its beyond medieval not to have one. Unless you're socrates. Who has got me deeply engaged by the way.

I am reading Sophie's World! Its in short: Philosophy for Dummies, nestled in a kind of lame plot but I just like the history of philosophy parts. Its very simply put and easy to digest and of course makes one feel terrible educated and aware. But then again I am just about halfway through it ><

2009-07-09T18:14:00.000+08:00

I have just uncovered the world's most sacrosanct and esoteric object/thingummy: AUDIO BOOKS

By the way the National libraries have started to loan out their audio stuff to even the basic members so its a huge hurray for all cheapskates and audio books lovers out there.

The most amazing thing, possibly a headline in my hodology, well it is, is that there are AGATHA CHRSTIE AUDIO BOOKS! *squeals in utter excitement and pure contentment*
I think God answers my prayers so well :) I can now hear Poirot (and know how to pronounce his name, its puaw-roe).

The most amazing place to listen to murder mysteries by my darling madame Agatha is in the car. Surprisingly. Yes, but what it does is confuse your mother whilst she's driving since only you can possibly dicipher those thick accents (sounds like some Irish brogue when you happen to try to explain to your mum the plot) and clap in good humour at the brilliant humour of all her books. But really because its surround sound, and its perfect when there are more than 2 characters talking in different places.

I actually wanted to borrow Sparkling Cyanide to complement the novel I just read but it was 6 discs long and for an audio book virgin I thought I'll settle for a 2 disc book Dead Man's Folly. One of my personal favourites.

I know I do ramble on but who can dam the flood of joy at hearing an Agatha Christie novel. Its bliss. Almost makes up for HBL. haha.

2009-07-08T18:05:00.001+08:00

*wails*
I need Mrs Bok. I need notes that make me feel inspired and alive and fill me up with geographic joy.

I do not need notes that I can read in 5 mins. Notes that I can probably find on wiki. Notes that are probably worse than what I can produce. I better be proven wrong.

Maybe its just a HBL thing, to let us relax a little.

*wails again*

2009-07-04T11:26:00.000+08:00

Great. I just jeopardized my future with that epic fail of a post colonial lit test.
It was the most evil horror I ever had, almost as if I was a character on Harper's Island being tortured in yet another unconventional lusty gore-filled way.

And just turn the mood knob to 'ravage-savage' mode, I am reading Sparkling Cyanide by Agatha Christie (from Nicole). Perfect for someone who just committed academic suicide. At least it satisfies my withdrawal from no Harper's Island this week.

Sigh. I just want to mope and whine about that terror of a question all the time.

2009-07-01T20:39:00.001+08:00

I feel like I am stuck in some time warp but a very compassionate one I guess. It leaves me in a whirl and I am just so elated to be halfway out of it.

I survived Monday's terror which very well makes me feel like I am just about ready to face the world with my fruitful experience from the trauma of both Geography and Econs bloating up my head.

Tuesday's 'manipulation is the oil of the wheel of Richard the Third', how I deftly and blindly manipulated my way through the 'Virtuous visor hiding deep Vice' and probably suffered major cuts from thrashing at a visor.

And today's math. It was okay. What can I say about math? Hmm lets see. Its fun? And anyway maths is too beneath my e-litist stature haha.

Hurray that means I only have a FISTFUL to deal with! No pun intended. I am so colonised by studying I feel hybridized. Just like how the descendants of post co always do. And how I insist they all do in all my p.co essays :)

2009-06-22T19:27:00.000+08:00

Gosh, I think I'm Sisyphus reborn. Stuck at this eternity of the boulder rolling fun.
I can never do enough in time. Why does time swindle me? Ahhhhh.
Major panic.

2009-06-14T14:49:00.000+08:00

A poem that reminds me of me.
My Darling by Schubert Koenig Bonhoeffer

"Where is the soul of my Darling?" I ask,
Oh, somewhere her soul must be,
It lives not in words, nor in promises,
Mutable as gold hers can be.

"Its in the eyes," the great poets say,
"Tis where the soul must dwell."
But watch her eyes; they glisten bright
At news of heaven and of hell.

I once believed her crimson lips,
Marked her soul soft as winter's snow,
But then they curled as tales dismal, sad;
What it meant, I could not know.

I thought her fingers, then, her slender hands,
'Cross her lap, they're delicate doves,
Though sometimes cold as ice to touch,
They surely hint of all she loves.

Aye, but there are moments she waves farewell,
I confess my Darling, I do not follow
She vanishes from view 'fore I reach the road,
Windows bare, house quiet and hollow.

And at times I might wish I could read her walk,
Like a sailor his map 'o the sea,
Or find instructions for her looks,
Explaining all she hopes will be.

How curious such an enlightened life!
God himself wouldn't deign to doubt her,
Instead, I'm left a-wondering,
Darling's shadows lurking about her.

Samantha must have been a typo. Destiny was sloppy, Kismet and Karma were too flighty to get anything done and Doom couldn't be trusted.

My blog is turning out like a twitter page >.<

2009-06-13T12:57:00.000+08:00

Very intriguing: http://www.calamityphysics.com/main.htm

Let me be erudite, as I learnt from the book.

2009-06-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

Oh yes my file is still missing for all you nasty people who probably wished this on me. Haha.
And I got conned by the photocopy shop guy who charged me $7 for just the market structure and monopoly notes which is highly infuriating but I couldn't have backed out. Gah I should have done it myself at home. Actually I did the first set then it sapped the life out of me so I decided to do it outside. Major mistake huh.

And my studying is going really slowly and that is so irrits. Cause I plan for so many things to happen but in the end I only end up finishing central city. Sigh.

Oh I need to add that part of the reason why my studying has gone so slow is because I've fallen in love with Stolen Innocence.
Its so intense I couldn't put it down. Oh my G, it opens up a world of conspiracy and brainwashing and how Elissa who was part of the FLDS Church broke free of the community's mental and physical strongholds. Best of all its a very womyn rights kind of book with lots of nasty abuse and stupid sheepish womyn. Please borrow it from me so I can gush over it with someone just like how I gush over Harper's Island.

Anyway I am on to my 2nd book, Special Topics in Calamity Physics which has nothing to do with science (thank God) but full of humor-- my type haha. But I haven't quite figured the plot or theme out yet still I find it very nice and mad.

Oh yes, me and ant want to watch the dance movie next monday so any loitering dancers who haven't watched please invite yourself! Haha

My blogging style is terrible :(

2009-06-08T20:48:00.000+08:00

NOOOOOOO

My sacred pink file with the sacrosanct econs notes is missing. OMG. I think it got zapped by aliens cause responsible me couldn't have misplaced it. Or could I?

All my beautifully handwritten notes and fluffy postits that fill pages and pages of the notes. NOW GONE. All that I dedicated to copying down during class when everyone is sleeping, my faithful LRAC and all the silly curves.

I think I'll just find a corner and wither and hope to disappear.

2009-06-06T23:20:00.000+08:00

Oh my G. I think the fun has just begun. I'll probably get dethroned (not that I think I am the queen haha) before I can say -hi I am samantha, I know you've probably not seen me in dance before- to all the dancers.

Oh well. I ask for God's saving grace and that the heart he gives me is pure, before I try out my harper's island tactics on those nasty people. But seriously some people are real juvenile. And while I give thanks to God I think the future is bleakish.

I need some training in PR skills :(

2009-06-05T16:13:00.000+08:00

I am back!!! Pre-U Sem was awesome! It was such an eye opener cause I really woke up from my self indulgent cocoon. Let's list down key issues and events: Horror of PGP(the beyond deathly hostel) in NUS, my xenophobia, my new slang, the parallel presentations and panel discussion and THE presentation.

Okay the largest issue was the god-forbid-hellhole where the room was about the size of an egg and as musty as an ape's armpit. The bed was dubiously grey and my ceiling fan was spoiled-moving at the speed of a dead mosquito. But brave me, I wasn't scared of the dark dingy room and the famous suicidal PGP ghost from block 21. Haha.

Yeah and by the way they very intentionally split us us into different group which was a major fear for my anti social soul but it was a blessing I got to say. I mean I would not admit that I am xenophobic but I guess I was pretty much a self deluding bonk head. PUS gave me new experiences and changed my perceptions of other people. I mean sensitive issue here - race and blah- so I guess you know what I mean. And I saw how there are so many eloquent and intelligent people just my age asking questions using financial jargon I wouldn't dare to let out. All I can do is thank God for this blessing of unpeeling my stupid jaundiced eyes.

And thanks to pus buddies, I've received an expansion of slang vocabulary. Not in the good way I mean. Haha. I heard so many vulgarities (and their explanations) but thankfully I still cringe. As for the words I find worthwhile I will use them so keep your ears peeled (not a good imagery but you know its along the line of keep your eyes peeled).

A major major component of PUS is the parallel presentations (which I presented on integration in the economic crisis) and the panel discussions. What blew me away was the number of bigwigs /bigshots (woops) they invited for the panal discussion whom have made the economic crisis, its roots and effects so intricate but relevant. I am just so thankful I can hear from the horses' mouth-ministers and deans about the present turmoil.

And omg I received such an ego boost. After my presentation, people came up to me and asked me if I was from debates ahaha (which I assume was a compliment). And random people came to compliment us on our presentation, which was pitch perfect. Also, after speaking to about 200 people in an NUS lecture theatre scriptless, I can safely say that I've proved myself. But it was a crazy experience and I really pushed myself beyond my mental capabilities in PUS. It is a milestone and is something so so innate for me, I know when I look back on it I'll marvel in wide eyed wonder how I managed to get past all the tough obstacles to complete this.

oh but it was so worthwhile, although it sapped up a quarter of the very precious holidays (ahh panic!!!) I am so glad for the alliances and the feeling of being an engaged youth. Not that I am apathetic and indifferent nornally but there is an empowerment that PUS has clothe you with that you cannot shake off.

2009-05-31T22:29:00.000+08:00

weeehee Danzage was wonderfully wuzziful (alliteration? haha)

erm as for pictures I don't have any maybe I can refer you to someone elses' blog? (woops I know I am being a terrible blogger here)
But really it was terrific, I absolutely enjoyed the entire performing experience, it was enthralling to dance in the new place :) And smokey-ing up eveyone's eyes. (possibly quite horribly I am sorry!). Yesterday's performance brought new meaning to dance for me, I always am reminded of my motivation when the spotlights come on, the adrenaline surges through and I see the faces in the crowd as I move intrinsically without thinking or worrying.

Thanks for the pretty flowers everyone!!! I feel so appreciated and sociable (understatement? cause I feel like miss invisible very often) with them hahaha. (I admit having a brief narcissistic moment >.<)

- sorry for the odd brackets, having lots of funny thoughts popping up

Oh yeah I'll be missing in action for the next 5 days for pus >.< which I kind of dread but feel intolerably nervous about. And I have a bad feeling about staying all alone in a room in a foreign place.
However, its not a camp (contrary to what my mom thinks) so I am still fairly contactable :)

2009-05-25T21:02:00.001+08:00

I realised that its true that I speak really fast when I am nervous haha. And I can't run away from being a pus presenter and memorising two person's worth of speeches. Which means I am just about so dead >.<

The result of delimiting the CBD: Insanity streak

Oh Danzage is this Saturday but strangely I feel more excited about harper's island than for it to come haha. Possibly cause I spent my life dancing in front of an audience and the process kind of fades away until when I am really on stage. Oh well, buy tickets from me anyway!!

2009-05-22T21:39:00.000+08:00

I made it through this week. That means I can probably pass through hades without effort :)
However, I feel drained. But I have to say that I enjoyed the buzz of stress I don't know why, somehow it feels nice to panic. And whine.

And become the pit of public opprobrium: I've no idea why some people are so antagonistic towards me the past few days (must be the 'holier than thou' thing spreading around). Oh yes, another thing. I love making angry people mad. Ask anyone close to me, I've an amazing ability to derive pleasure from being very intrepid about pissing people off. So getting angry with me just has no effect. Hah. Beat that.

And I've been tormented by Nicole over my apparently very parochial mindset. She thinks I am very conservative and narrow minded just because I was freaking out over pinkdot. But I truly embrace people, even if they're gay. And I am open minded to what I think is acceptable. I mean religion is my key issue here, I won't disregard what my bible says just to be worldly. Anyway, my liberalism mostly extends to political stuff not gender bending. But continue to enlighten me to the facts of life dearest nicole. Haha.

And add all that to geog and econs test, the horrible CBD delimiting and PUS. So terribly fun ><

2009-05-20T23:35:00.001+08:00

OMG I am a miracle. This must be some kind of apparition cause I got the highest for maths. This is pretty much traumatic (especially with amanda's crowning me as the new math queen -hah) but all the same I enjoy the mathy aura haha. Since I used to never pass my math class quizzes and just get crossed eyed over trying to pass my tests. So its brilliant news that can't quite amerliorate the horror of the geog test.

And my back and legs are aching from the 4 hours of trampling all over the CBD trying to delimit it. Of which the only part I quite enjoyed was lunch at Macdonalds where I satiated my fast food deprived soul. With lots of fries, an gift of a leftover chicken wing from louise and my gobules of 'mcflurry float'. Ask me for the recipe to the float, its very shocking haha. And I very unecessarily missed dance. But oh well.

Haha. Byee.

2009-05-18T18:20:00.000+08:00

I love this card. It's the epitome of my me-ness.

2009-05-18T17:44:00.000+08:00

Sigh, I just realised that my last blog post was from last Sunday since there was no Harper's Island yesterday. I know this week's going to be plain horrible. I've so many things to do >.< And I've 3 Jodi Picoult books tempting me every time I walk past certain corner. Not to mention that Richard III in Plain English which is due just about yesterday or the day before which I haven't quite ploughed through. Such a smorgasbord (thanks amanda for this new word) of things I don't want to do.

And I very rashly and bravely solved my dilemma! I feel empowered -too empowered, which is probably not very good. But I trust in God's grace and I believe that his will is mine. So whatever the outcome it'll be alright because I carefully evaluated and realised that I've nothing to lose. Technically so but I know there's a high chance of me losing myself.

If its providence then so be it :) I don't care. Okay I do. Haha.

2009-05-10T23:18:00.000+08:00

Ahhh. I hate myself. I went to read the spoiler for this week's episode of Harper's!! WHILST WATCHING IT!!! Someone kill me for the such brainlessness.

Harper's is my only indulgence nowadays. Shows the deprived nature of my life haha. Omg. My deprived soul is soaking up the grotesque and horrifying. This IS the real horror >.<

2009-05-09T21:56:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling paranoid over my paranoia. I keep forgetting my tests dates and writing them in the wrong spaces in my organiser and getting panicky when I see 2 tests scheduled in one day. I just found out that geography is the week after not next week! I almost started flailing and was about to faint before amanda told me that it was in week 9. And I am going to admit I did some sporadic panic studying, feeling very anxious and jittery flipping through the great wall of papers and freaking out.

And I am in such a quandary about soap. I know about the deathly chemicals in commercial body soap and its very carcinogenic properties but I absolutely loath the plasticky smell of organic soap. Don't ask why it has that strange artificial smell but I assure you it's very odd. Not only is organic soap terribly unsoapy and unfoamy, it has this awful texture and clinging nature and refuses to get of your skin. So I turned to this commercial brand recently that smelled pretty good but my conscience is getting my goat. And I have been searching ever since for a natural soap that can smell heavenly. I have to add I love the smell of moroccan roses. Or more like I am very much in love with body shop's new scent that's supposed to smell like a moroccan rose. Whatever that is. I actually don't believe that moroccan roses smell that nice, they probably smell like horses or something. But I like indulging in fantasies about exotic smells of rare (possibly imaginary) flowers. And I think horses are beyond beautiful. Not their smell though.

Oh god I think I am going mad.

2009-05-05T21:11:00.000+08:00

Haha. I am so glad I remembered SWOT.

Anyway, sh very unknowingly traumatized me for the next half of my life. Because we're all fellow feminists (or at least I am) we happily discussed AWARE t-shirts (http://www.printeet.com/shop/awaresg-tees/feminist-mentor-white-tee/prod_27.html) which are awesome by the way. [Anyone? Buy me one? I like the feminist mentor one. I'll devote myself to doing your homework if you do haha]

So sh said that proceeds will go to pinkdot, and very naively I declared that it would be the very first feminst event I'll go to, very well not knowing what pinkdot is. Well it sounds very feminist, with pink-the symbol of femininity and dot-symbol for s'pore anyway.

To my horror, I googled pinkdot to find out when it is (not before telling amanda we'll go together!); to see the browser bar stating: PINKDOT...THE FREEDOM TO LOVE. And then very ominously I happened to not have an updated adobe program so I needed to update it to see the contents of the site. And after I downloaded the wretched program I almost fainted when I saw that pinkdot is a lesbian event. I wanted to die. And to add the the jolt, I clicked on a link on pink dot and ended up on 'Singapore's most popular gay and lesbian forum'. Now I need to bleach my brain.

Haha. I know I accept diversity and am liberal but I am so not going to a lesbian event nor do I even condone having such terrorising get togethers. Oh man, I am scarred. Thanks sh. Haha.

2009-05-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

Hurray!! Hurray!! Need I say more? Right now I can proudly say I am AWARE.

The past few weeks I must have seen the word 'secular' several hundred times. And this once insignificant word is one that I now hold much reverence for especially in our society.

I am so glad it's back to the veterans since the ex-new-exco clearly knew nothing about what AWARE constitutes and believes in. Anyway, I am sorry I blamed Jodie, I guess she's pretty much just a nasty christian lady. And what makes me Christian is my faith in a open society, that we love and respect all womyn, so regardless of my stance on homos, I still am pro secularism. By the way, I am not into lesbianism or anything if my liberalist views are anything to go by. Haha. I still think homosexuals are unnatural and ungodly.

I need to add that I was invited to the showdown at Suntec haha but I didn't go despite my father's urging. And to find out that I missed the rowdy fun and passionate discourse of womyn of Singapore makes me regret not turning up. Anyway while I read the transcript of the meeting at http://wayangparty.com/?p=8732, I felt really surprised at all the jeering though I really pined to be there. I love such things - protests and demonstration. Exactly why I hate peaceful Singapore, we all need some disruption to our efficiency.

On another note, in the life section on ugly names for Singaporeans, I read about how someone said he would rather give up safe, clean crime free street, efficient government than have his dignity and freedom of speech forsaken (I forgot the exact words). And that absolutely rang true to me. Not that I like anarchy, crime, corruption, war and all that, but this crazy protection and authoritarian thing is intolerable.

2009-04-27T21:30:00.000+08:00

Okay it's about time I posted about AWARE.
I've got to say I am deeply disturbed by the turmoil and I really think this saga is a disgrace to all women. Why are we engaging in this typical cat fighting bull-crap? Why are we allowing the scum of the earth (aka men) to look at us with their already rotting jaundiced gangrenous eyes? Why? Why? Why? Why are you doing this Jodie Lau, you complete fool? Okay fine.

AWARE - the organisation that has entrapped my calling. You disgust me with your mess. Anyway, to make my stand clear, I am on the Old Guard's side. Gosh, I hate that phrase Old Guard, it sounds like some expired watchdog and makes all the lovely women sound like hags. I love that AWARE was once liberal and that women, lesbian or not, can embrace themselves. I devoted myself to believing in this cause, to empower women. And this deathly coup (conspiracy?) comes along and kills my joy.

It frightens me that 6 committee members are from the same church, I mean, great activism you've got there holy ladies, but I hope it isn't a christian fundamentalist movement on siege. I know they have great credentials but all their provocative actions have proven them unworthy of admiration.

I am liberal enough to not lynch lesbians though I am Christian because I know the ultimate aim of aware is to reach out to all women regardless of sexuality. Please don't say I am satan's spawn just because I am not a religious zealot. I know, maybe it's my turn to by lynched for saying all this but there, I've said it.

And I am still joining AWARE but that's because of my true heart for womyn. I am not done with this yet..haha. Soon I promise, even more heartfelt cries from the depths of my feminist soul.

-
All springs reduce their currents to mine. I am governed by the watery moon, to send forth plenteous tears to drown the world. Queen Elizabeth in Richard III. Act 2 Scene 2.

2009-04-24T21:57:00.001+08:00

We didn't win. Not anything. Not even a miniscule cruddy prize. Sigh.

Not that I can say I put in the most effort but the time all of us have invested was such a shame. It was just rather heart rending to leave only with an insignificant certificate. I mean, really, who wants a certificate? I want a prize not a certificate! Fine, I am vainglorious.

Gah and I have the scariest amount of geography notes to compile into my notebook. I wish I didn't start this pretentious note thing >.<

I am absolutely flooded by the flood notes. Unmitigated huh.

2009-04-23T22:15:00.001+08:00

This is a public apology and a post dedicated to amanda :)
I can get really nasty, I am so sorry because I was in such a horrible mood and so terribly inefficient and uncooperative today. I may have woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning.

Sigh. Why am I so mean? I am mostly not so temperamental, really!

Anyway, tomorrow's ArcGIS day and I can see the greedy glimmers of gold in all our eyes, haha.

2009-04-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

Poems (or half poems) I thought of today

The hole in sky,
pyrite leaks.
How real is our sustenance?

-

The rain,
fierce as day old love.
Her tears,
sanguine as waning drizzles.

-
I <3 Harper's Island.

2009-04-18T15:54:00.000+08:00

All that glistens is not gold? This one glistens like none other!! And it's definitely not pyrite.

SYF was worth all the gold in the world, for all the aches, waning attention in class and many hot and stuffy Saturdays. Our window of hope sure is eluding that totemic hope of dance society, and I just look plain gleeful when I think of the very moment we knew.

In retrospect, as a whole, we have improved so much that the implausible became believable. Anyway, we did it!!! Which is a call for much yayness (As I used to say).

And our ArcGIS presentation was such a success I can't help gloating a little. Not that I think we will definitely win. Haha. I guess spontaneity is really the essence.

On a sad note, this morning I went to talk to my ballet teacher and told her that I will stop for now. I didn't bother holding in my myraid of emotions (not that I cried but I just felt terribly emotional) , as I took in the ballet school, the flights of stairs I clambered on for 9 years, the studios and my choking sorrow. I may quit this school but I would never eschew Ballet, the love of my life. Ballet watched me grow, nurtured me and made me the person I am, that I may say that I will always love and support the arts. Which I think was the very reason my parents let me take this up, so that I can be a someone who appreciates and embraces culture and the human form.

2009-04-13T22:30:00.000+08:00

I am in a self imposed gulag. Not.
My throat hurts occasionally. I think it's in anticipation to SYF in 3 days!
Actually it's just sore.
As sore as how I can be very sore about things hahahah.

On another note, Harper's Island is very very exciting and brings back wonderful memories of my Agatha Christie craze. And woohoo, I was absolutely right that it was based on her And Then There Were None, one of my favourites. It's such perfect craft that I couldn't help but know that it was the inspiration for the show. Anyway, it says so on wikipedia that: The television show is a horror/drama, described as Scream meets And Then There Were None.

I almost screamed (yes not a pun haha) KNEW IT! when I saw that. I must talk more about my Agatha Chrisitie love another time and elaborate on And Then There Were None, my inspiration for writing a very simliar play. Maybe you saw it before when we were Year 1/2. Yes, I wrote a play and made everyone act out the morbid murder mystery. Haha.

2009-04-12T22:41:00.000+08:00

Right.

I think I am in a rut. An identity uncrisis crisis rut of sorts. My stream of consciousness (I am guessing you are disgusted with me by now) tells me that I am. But yet the stream of consciousness of my stream of consciousness is very assertive about my lack of identity crisis. Hahahahaha.

And I think I am incredibly funny and smart.

So my stream of consciousness tells me I have an low high esteem problem. And my high low deficiency of self-ness is possibly due to my overwhelming overdose of esteem.

And I love words (English words mind you) so much, I think I'll marry a dictionary in the future. It's my true first, first true love. None other can be so sturdy, reliable, witty, confusing, decisive and ever so detail orientated.

2009-04-10T21:50:00.000+08:00

Oh golly, it's 6 more days to SYF! How very exciting. I mean really!

Gosh, I hate my ankle, it aches a little and I hope it wouldn't develop into a root for arthritis when I am old. I do wish it would just drop off and a new foot will propagate, just like a starfish. It would be so much more pleasant to see two similar looking ankles rather than one nice slim one and a chunky watonky one.

And happy good friday to all. Or it it not supposed to be happy? MAybe I'll need to wait till sunday to say happy Easter instead. This reminds me, while I was happy thinking that I am liberated from spiritual quandaries, my mum comes along to berate me about my lack of spiritual life and attempt to murder our relationship along the way.

I know that I should try to achieve one since I am Chrisitan but I do feel I need some time to grow into myself. Afterall, I am a teenager (this is an excuse) and I am searching for an identity and am supposed to be in an identity crisis. I know I don't have a crisis but I still feel that there is room for amelioration. I want to grow into someone else, and I know that in time I will, but not now. The Samantha now is someone I am proud of (I can't get over myself haha) but not the the Samantha I want to be, I want to be someone different, not that different but changed in my own way. To be someone I would respect culturally (I just have this longing to be more infused with culture and the sorts). This may be confusing hahaha.

But while I am dealing with the mess in my head, I kind of would like people to stop thrashing about with my brains and emotions through my ears/nostrils/whereever they think they may reach into my stream of consciousness. Because as any good sane person, you know you can't really reach someone's brains that way.

2009-04-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

Monday's child is fair of face.
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
Wednesday's child is full of woe.
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving.
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child who is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

I hope I wasn't born on a wednesday.

2009-04-08T20:42:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh, something very ominous happened today. My mum almost got robbed or rather she got robbed unsuccessfully. I foresee that such incidents will be ubiquitous in our current economic climate. And I am not very happy nor blessed to be one of the first few families affected by the desperados of our society.

I mean I know the guy was probably out of cash and umenployed but to resort to crime which I have to add that includes hijacking my car and holding a humongous knife (butcher/parang or similar) out at my mother, makes me incredibly indignant!! He could have held my little sister at knife point for all I know, since he got in through the back door and tried to snatch my mother's handbag.

It's very shocking isn't it? Absolutely surreal for me because this feels like stuff made for television, a conspiracy you see on crimewatch or something. And don't worry I making my mum go to the police after she recovers from this attack. She claims that this daylight robbery (I am not kidding) scared the soul out of her.

So I guess the takeaway is that even our 'crimefree' garden (blah) is not as safe as we deem. By the way this happened near my little sister's school in an HDB estate. So I advising everyone to move out of HDB estates because of criminals who may strike anytime hahaha. However, I really think we should heighten our invigilance and take adequate care whereever we go.

And I've got to say I love lit. I really do, it makes me love life so much more.

2009-04-04T16:19:00.000+08:00

Haha. Okay after much analysis and many busy days chock full of headaches and rattling nerves, I've settled upon a personality quiz like moniker: A pretentious optimalist.

Yes, my stream of consciousness tells me I am pretentious. Actually I didn't need my stream to tell me that. But I would say that you would rather I am pretentious than see the real myraid of emotions inside of me. Its much more pleasant when I speak nicely and mince my words (or not speak) rather than I cut the rein off my sacarsm and let it wild. So thank me for being such a blessing to you because I am so good at emotion managment and you don't have to deal with my tantrums (unless you get me into the a real nihilistic mode then I'll launch into sluices of wild whining).

And I am so not an optimist but rather an optimalist that's because I am so realistic and yet so involved in the hedonism (or maybe not) of life. I look forward to better things and I don't brood but I am a drama queen so I make it seem like I am stuck in a miasma of unhapppiness but really since you now know my pretentious and dramatic (but quiet) nature it's really nothing, I am just brooding for fun.

But when I start crying, I don't know why that can even happen, then take me seriously because that really isn't the real me. I can be so unemotional I can't force myself to cry but paradoxically when I cry, you know I am no longer ambivalent but it's really cataclysmic.

It's so fun getting to know me. I love thinking about thinking so much. Especically thinking about my panoply of intuitions, emotions and thoughts. And no I am not that narcissistic, after this blog is about me so what did you expect? An analysis on you? Ahaha.

2009-04-02T20:30:00.000+08:00

My ubiquitous stream of consciousness tells me I need to do too many things at once. Oh no.

2009-03-30T19:47:00.001+08:00

I've been pretty stressed out and am in this unstable state of launching into panic attacks once in a while. But I kind of like having things to think about, except when I have to do them by a certain dateline, I start this mad thing where sporadic salvoes start coming out of my head. Haha.

Anyway, I have so much to write about I don't have time to. Once I get my P.U.S research, geography test and all the other things out of the way I'll share my insight on my stream of consciousness. I am so inspired by the omniscient idea of knowing my own stream of consciousness that I can't stop trying to figure it out. So you must remind me to write about it or you'll miss a very special insight on my human condition. And I'll be analysing my flaws, which you'll seldom read or hear about. Haha.

This paradigm of schoolwork is driving me (a little mad). But still driving me. Get the pun? Hah.

2009-03-17T20:34:00.000+08:00

From my favourite poet Izumi Shikibu:

Out of the darkness
on a dark path,
I now set out.
Shine on me,
moon of the mountain edge.

----

In the dusk the path
You used to come to me
Is overgrown and indistinguishable,
Except for the spider webs
That hang across it
Like threads of sorrow.

----

Soon I shall cease to be.
When I am beyond this world,
can I have the memory
of just one more meeting?

*swoons* haha. She's my raison d'être. Although she's inspired by buddism/japanese court culture (I think) and all that, but her poetry is so so so beautiful.

Oh and my foots much better now but it's still rather swollen, an act of insurrection I suppose. How nasty hahaha.

2009-03-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

I wish I could with wild abandon just start dancing again. It pains me to see others do what I would give my leg to do (the irony?). I never quite appreciated the simplicity of my mobility until now, what was once almost nondescript is now quite a mission.

It feels like I am squeezing blood out of a turnip. I want for my foot to heal so much and it's taking an eternity to do so. I know I am convalescing and I am grateful but I am sick of being an invalid already.

I wonder if this is kismet? Or should I believe in that? We're told that we have a destiny and that God has a plan so why do we suscribe to all this trying when it is all etched out for us? Is this little incident already part my self fufilling prophesy? I am ignorant about providence, I really am. Maybe I am confused about how I am supposed to comprehend it - I don't how to discern just yet I guess. I am full of wonder. But I hope this grief will yield a blessing.

I just realised how much I love dancing. Its a hollow feeling when you can't even walk without a limp. Add a rash (yes, I do have a very bad itch on my ankle) and you'll get what I mean.

Whenever, I have to do something that challenges me, I realise my memory and abilities are not advancing as fast as they should, I ought to write, speak and think better and I frustrate myself with my inadequate scantiness.

2009-03-10T21:11:00.000+08:00

Hi!

My ankle looks terrible I got to say, I am really afraid it'll not heal properly. Sigh, but at least after yesterday's treatment my mobility has increased by half a notch. Its nice to have people fawn over you but I guess being injured isn't that fun after a while. So I am praying really hard that I am be fine in 1 more week. Its my personal deadline- my mind setting a due date for my foot.

And I am very pleased to announce that I've signed up as an AWARE member and when my dad comes back tomorrow I'll officially join their organisation after paying $5. I think all girls should join this organisation especially if you're a student, only $5!! Its such a fabulous chance to be an activist (abet a very mild one) and as youths (I learnt from GP) we should be more proactive and support causes we feel passionate about. An empowerment and a voice for all women out there, what more can you ask for? So sign up at their website for free and you can pay $5 to be an official member :) The reason for joining is to support gender equality not for free gifts cause there aren't any haha.

I love lit but it scares me at the same time >.<